Friday Fodder

Seven minutes... In seven minutes, the following news items drifted across My vision, one Friday café after-lunch lull, as coffee cooled, people scurried down the street and the best-looking woman in the place could have been My grandmother:


-- A local TV show recreated a recent suicide by throwing a dummy off the bridge where a woman ended her life. Although leading with the accurate judgment that the act was tasteless, the article spent 4 of 11 paragraphs describing the traffic jam created by the clueless TV crew and apparently did nothing to find out who were the pea-brains responsible for (a) conceiving this crassly-idiotic stunt and (b) allowing it to be happen.

--My favorite local beach, a gorgeous half-moon inlet reached by carefully crossing dirt trails that wind through salt flats and marshes, was thoroughly and revoltingly trashed by masses of college students over the previous weekend. Abandoned cars, engines and literally tons of trash were left behind as these unevolved apes proved that college isn't for everybody. The damage to the area is incalculable, but how much are you willing to bet the same thing happens during Hell Week--or rather, Holy Week--when some 160,000 people are expected to surge into the Cabo Rojo area? That wave is equal to 7 times the local population, and We'll rediscover that the young unevolved apes descend from older unevolved apes.

--We're Number 3! We're Number 3! On the international list of countries with the highest murder rates, that is. Colombia (uh-huh) and Russia (okay) are the Top 2, but We are gunning for Number One!! Colombia is in a de facto hydra-like criminal war for national economic control and Russia has become a haven for organized crime on a global scale; it makes sense that these two countries are Murder Centrals. But what the HELL is OUR excuse?! CAN there be ANY excuse? And just how much impact did this little bit of Friday fodder have on Our collective psyche? About the same amount of thought it took to trash a beach or throw a dummy off a bridge.

--Take a walking tour through Old San Juan and you will see dozens, if not hundreds, of stray cats. Must be the fishy smell of the bay... In any case, local officials have determined that some of these cats are infected with the AIDS virus. We can't have that! Not in a World Heritage Site! That might scare tourists away! So I have a suggestion: Send The Fools to round up the cats. Barehanded. We can get rid of their inane monkey posturing and some diseased cats, too. (I had a joke in there about "infected pussies" that I obviously edited out. I'm trying to be civil.)

--Citizens are organizing a march to force The Fools to make progress on the unicamerality vote. There's a better chance of getting rid of the AIDS-infected cats than there is for a unicamerality vote to reach binding status.


The Jenius Has Spoken.