Stephenson Billings: This Is Your Life

Stephenson Billings, an anonymous coward, laughingly describes himself this way: "Investigative Journalist, Motivational Children's Party Entertainer and Antique Soda Bottle Collector all in one special, blessed package!" 

He pecks at a keyboard for The Daily Bleach, a satirical website filled with useless content aimed at distorting minds, and ChristWire, The Daily Bleach's retarded step-brother. From his faux biography, We get that Stephenson Billings--the homunuclus with no first name--was "Born Again in the Blood of the Lamb at the age of 33. 'I didn’t realize how hurt, how wrong I was until Jesus reached out and drew me close,' Stephenson has noted. 'He held me and I wept, I wept such hot, messy tears like a child.'"

Apparently this homoerotic fantasy was his interview entry to ChristWire, for Stephenson-in-hiding has proceeded to muck up screens there and at his other part-time latrine with articles that run the gamut from stupid and racist to racist and stupid.

His versatility eventually focused on Puerto Rico--or as he spells it, "Peurto Rico"--in an attempt to be satirical about the Island's non-request for statehood, based on a non-result from non-aware losers. Stephenson's article redefines crap to the extent that crap itself is insulted by being compared to Stephenson Billings...and his writings.

After glancing through the article and making peace with the new, lower, more disgusting definition of crap, I decided to respond. So here now, Stephenson Billings, This Is Your Life:

Stand-in for a coward

Stephenson, I fully expect to read about your arrest and trial for collecting child pornography, which, sadly, will interrupt your daily ritual of ass-fucking yourself with your favorite antique bottles, several of which are actually old maple syrup jugs from Eastern Vermont. Your lack of success is evident in that you'd rather use a 4-word Orwellian double-speak lie rather than "clown," which is intrinsically more accurate.

Your inability to write with any sense of style bespeaks of a wasted 7th grade education and an early marriage, most likely to a first cousin or half-sister, thus depriving you of any semblance of higher (for your tribe) education. It might also explain why you butt-fuck yourself with bottles as this early departure from school may have been caused by the unexpected death of your daddy, your first lover.

As for the self-proclaimed lie of "Investigative Journalist," it is also obvious that whatever investigations you undertake are of the "imagination slash animal porn" variety, ones where you greedily inhale a horse cock to satisfy Freudian urges you cannot even begin to fathom.

On the "journalist" side, your obvious ignorance of spell-check means you write your love letters to the stable denizens up the road from your hovel along the lines of "Fukc me horsy."

I applaud your attempt at satirical humor in the same way I applaud a monkey in a business suit: cute, but stupid and the monkey still plays with its shit. I suggest a new career for you in the field of security, where you use your ass and mouth as vaults to hide the dissected sex organs of random farm animals your wife/half-sister has fucked for the satisfaction you cannot give her. You'd get a kick out of it, I know, plus you'd be concealing evidence of your crimes of passion.

And yes, you are "blessed," in the exact same way a wet turd is "damp." Take pride in what little you can, Stephenson Billings, for it is so very little.


All in satirical fun, right?

Riiiight.



The Jenius Has Spoken.

Laugh and Curse

Two items that dropped in front of Me within seconds of each other:

Item the First: One of Our senators, Antonio Soto, hired a local TV "model/hostess" known for having a backside you can balance a gin-and-tonic on, to work in his office. At Our expense. And then he "defends" the decision for hiring her on her physical attributes rather than on any possible intellectual or professional qualifications.

You think it's a joke, right? One, that "Tone the Bone(head)" would actually hire a "model" as an aide and two, that he would then admit he hired her for her ass and not her intellect. And you would point out that he was on a radio morning show known more for idiocy than wit, so he was "just playing along," so it is a joke. Right?

Wrong. She's on the payroll. Our payroll. As a hunk of flesh most likely serving a senator's pubic interest than anything remotely related to the senator's public interest. Blithering imbeciles--otherwise known as "statehood supporters"--will no doubt claim that their man from the District of Guayama can hire anyone he wants. No, he can't. He works for Us and his job isn't to facilitate his sex life. With Our money.


If this prick can't keep his pecker in his pants, then he should join the Tiger Woods Alliance for Skank Therapy and leave Us entirely out of the equation.

Oh, and as for the model, I'd say the difference between her and a street whore is merely the periodicity between payments.

Item the Second: Joke in My Inbox as I finished listening to what prompted Item the First. A near-perfect antidote to the rising flood of abject stupidity We see every day from Our government.

A government employee visits a farm and talks to the owner, an elderly gentleman. He tells the farmer that he wants to inspect the farm's water wells. The gentleman says he can do that, but to please not enter the distant fenced-in area.

The employee grabs his I.D. and says "Listen, old man, I'm the chief authority in my agency and this I.D. right here says I can go ANYWHERE, on ANY property to do ANYTHING I want to with NO restrictions, NO questions and not have to give ANY answers! You got that? You want me to explain that to you again?"

The gentleman shrugged his shoulders and walked off. Several minutes later, he hears terrified screams and rushes over to the fenced-in area. The government employee is running desperately from a raging, long-horned bull. The man's screams rise in volume as the bull gains on him. "HELP ME!! HELP ME!!" 
  
The gentleman cups his hands around his mouth and yells back: "The I.D.! Show 'im the I.D.!!"

The Jenius Has Spoken.

Funny, Frugal, Tasty

I loved this post over at AskReddit. Not only do I agree with the recipe (this stuff is awesome tasty and with discretion on the meat side, awesome healthy), I rolled with laughter at the tone. Here, for your edutainment, from the keyboard of Electric_Sandwich, is How to Eat As Cheaply As NYC Puerto Ricans Do:

Take a lesson from the Puerto Ricans. Millions of us have managed to survive in one of the most expensive cities on Earth with recipes like this:

Find a supermarket that has black beans on sale. Buy as much as you can. Then buy 5 or so pounds of Carolina rice, a bag of onions, a few bulbs of garlic, and a box of Goya Sazon.

Set 2 cups of water to boil

Dick around on Reddit until the water is boiling

Throw in one cup of rice, turn the heat down to simmer and lid that shit

Slice up a small onion

Smash up a clove of garlic

Throw some olive oil or butter into a HOT pan.

Throw the onions and garlic into the pan and fry them till the onion gets glassy. Throw some salt in there.

Grind some pepper in there for good luck.

Toss in half a packet of Sazon and stir till you get a paste. Now you have a ghetto sofrito.

Dump in your can of beans bean juice and all.

Stir that shit up.

Add a pinch of Cayenne pepper so you remember that you have a set of cojones

Set that shit on simmer

Your rice is done.

Throw the beans on top.

Win

You should get at least 2 meals out of one can of beans, and if your lucky you can get black beans 2 for $1. Adding the cost of the Garlic, Sazon and a small onion and you still eat a tasty, hearty, relatively healthy meal for less than $1.

Now. You are a growing lad. You need MEAT

OK, first of all, fuck eating lips and assholes. There is a much, much tastier option that has kept millions of starving boriquas alive for generations: PORK SHOULDER.

In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, pork shoulder is 79 cents a pound. That's right. 79 cents. A package of hot dogs at $2.50 is more than double the price and has offal and all sorts of vile shit inside.

Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs should do nicely.

Bring that fucker home and get out a long, thin knife.

In a pilon (that's a mortar and pestle gringo) smash up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt, some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now you have another ghetto sofrito.

Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.

Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the holes. Don't be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig. RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack some fucking pepper on there.

Set your oven for ~300 degrees

Throw the pork in skin side up and WAIT.

It's going to take like 45 minutes a pound...

A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is the best cure.

After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the bone, or you will get a bad reading.

You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400 degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin that will make your pork rinds taste like year old carboard by comparison.

At 170-ish? Pull that fucker out, but DON'T carve it up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the fuck out. WAIT.

Congratulations. You just made Pernil. A five pound Pernil should give you meat for at least a week. SAVOR IT BROTHER. SAVOR IT

Edit: Forgot the best and cheapest fucking recipe!!!

TOSTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck me. Green plaintains are usually like 5 for a fucking dollar!

Here's my mom's recipe:

Fry up some bacon. Set the bacon aside and save that lovely, glistening fat.

Take a plantain and run a knife down the side and split the skin off without breaking the plantain. This takes a bit of practice.

Slice up the plantain into ~1/3 inch thick slices. Throw them into a bowl of ice water.

You have a fry daddy? You're golden papi. No? Pour around half an inch of oil into a frying pan. Corn oil works best, olive oil smokes too easily. Get that shit hot! Throw in your bacon grease.

Take your sliced up plantains out of the ice water and drain them or even pat them with a paper towel till they're dry.

Fry em up until they just turn golden.

Throw them in the freezer for 10 minutes.

Now, here is where you become a MAN: Get yourself a flat bottom glass and a cutting board or a plate. Throw some flour on there. Smash the plantains with the cup. You may need a spatula to get them off the board...

Fry em AGAIN until they are golden and crispy

Make all three of these things together and you have an incredibly delicious and cheap meal!



The Jenius Has Quoted.

13 Stripes and 51 Stars...

Here----from Slate Magazine comes a mathe--haha--mathematician's program to create--heehee--star patterns in the--HAhahaha--event that the U.S. of part of A.----decides to add a 51st--hahaHA--state.

And it came about because of the--HAhaheehee--possibility of--hold it--Puerto Rico becoming that--hold it in--51st...state...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAAAh

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAheeheeheeheeheehee...

Oh I almost peed Myself there.


The Jenius Has Spoken.


[P.S.  While on the subject of visualizations related to the U.S. of part of A., take a look at these: 3 Charts That Will Break Your Heart, from uncanny Reason Magazine, and 15 Mind-Blowing Facts About Wealth and Inequality in America, from the over-pretentious SFGate. "Land of the free?" "Home of the grave (inequality)"?]

White-Washing History

Crap!! I wish I'd written this! [The quoted section below, not the Texas/Arizona idiocy that follows...]

Following on the heels of the Texas Board of Education trying to erase Thomas Jefferson from its future history books--because Tommy wasn't stupid enough to dumb down his ideals--Arizona decided it liked the sound of jackboots profiling non-whites with a "Show Me Your Papers!" bill.  Then the Arizona snakes decided that schools must be kept pure by eliminating "ethnic studies," which would technically mean anything other than Native American studies, but Arizonans don't mean that, of course. Not be outdone, the Texas Board of Education now wants to rename the slave trade the "Atlantic triangular trade."

I shit you not. 

NOW comes the part I wish I'd written...Seeing as how Texas and Arizona are battling like defenestrated pigs going dumbass whitey-slanting stupid on Us, what if they decided to rewrite all of history? From Chauncey De Vega's wicked keyboard at the blog We Are Respectable Negroes, and picked up merrily by Macon D at the blog Stuff White People Do, comes this acerbic gem titled simply What Would U.S. History Look Like If It Were Written By Texas and Arizona?:


The Essential Dates and Events of U.S. History as Approved by the States of Arizona and Texas

1607– Jamestown founded. Capitalism, which can trace its roots to the Bible, is now firmly rooted in the New World.

1660-1800–Triangular Atlantic trade continues to bring wealth and prosperity to America while giving opportunities to new immigrants.

1776–War for Independence against the tyrannical, evil British empire. Colonists suffer oppression that is unprecedented in human history. Minutemen singlehandedly defeat the evil British Empire in 1783.

1788–The United States Constitution is signed as a document to stand for all time, inspired by God, and never to be changed.

1803-1848–America continues to expand westward into empty territories. American settlers make the land bloom with the help of friendly Indian tribes.

1823–America guarantees the freedom of all countries and people in the Western Hemisphere with the adoption of the Monroe Doctrine.

1848–Mexico, in an act of friendship following their humiliation at the Alamo by the great Republic of Texas, gives their territories to the United States.

1860s-1900s–The Gilded Age of prosperity. American capitalism provides opportunities for all people to grow wealthy, secure, and happy. Liberals and Progressives begin working against American freedom and capitalism by forming unions, demanding unfair compensation from their employers, limiting the rights of children to work in factories, and imposing restrictive regulations for the “safety” of employees. Many brave men die fighting Communist influenced unions as they riot in America’s cities.

1861-1865–Civil War fought because of an overreaching, tyrannical federal government and its desire to limit the freedoms of all Americans. 620,000 people die including many brave and noble black Americans who fought on the side of the Confederacy. Northerners and Southerners eventually find common ground through Redemption and move forward as brothers and sisters in the USA.

1865-1870s–Democratic terrorists called the Ku Klux Klan begin a reign of terror in the South until brave Republicans defeat them.

1906–Using the Antiquities Act, Theodore Roosevelt establishes the National Park System. In one bold stroke Roosevelt establishes Socialist policies that steal land from the American people.

1913–More Socialism and class warfare ushered into the U.S. with the federal income tax system.

1917–America enters and wins World War 1 singlehandedly because the French are cowards.

1929–Great Depression begins. Tens of millions unemployed because of FDR’s failed economic policies. His New Deal introduces the nanny state, prolongs America’s economic collapse, and weakens the economy until Ronald Reagan renews America.

1941–Patriotic Japanese Americans volunteer to place themselves in gated communities so that America will be safe from Imperial Japan.

1941-1945–America enters and wins World War 2 singlehandedly because the French are cowards. Out of necessity, the United States drops atomic bombs on Japan.

1945-1965–A high point in U.S. history, as freedom and prosperity reign over all Americans.

1950–Senator Joseph McCarthy fearlessly highlights how America is infiltrated by communists from Russia and China. Big Hollywood and the liberal establishment are brought to their knees by his brave efforts.

1954–Brown v. Board of Education removes the parental right to send children to the schools of their choice and with the company they desire. A dangerous and unconstitutional era of activist Supreme Court decisions begins.

1955-1968–George Wallace and Martin Luther King Jr. lead a Civil Rights Movement to ensure that all Americans are judged by “the content of their character and not the color of their skin.”

1964-Barry Goldwater ignites a revolution in Conservative thought and values that resonates to the 21st century.

1968–The cinematic classic The Green Berets starring John Wayne, America’s greatest actor, debuts.

1971–America largely withdraws from Vietnam on the cusp of victory because it was weakened by The Gays, The Women’s Movement, and “The Counter-culture.” The French are cowards whose failure forced the U.S. to intervene in Indochina.

1973–Roe vs. Wade, the worst legal decision in the history of the Supreme Court is decided.

1974-Phyllis Schlafly, pioneer for the rights of women, takes a stand against evil Leftist feminists who want to ban motherhood, force mothers to work at jobs outside the home, join the military, become lesbians, and receive advanced educations which they do not need.

1974–Nixon forced to resign by liberal conspiracy.

1980–Ronald Reagan, America’s greatest president, restores American providence by ushering in a new era of economic prosperity, cutting the federal budget, and corrects the unfair federal tax code in order that the hard work of the richest Americans is justly rewarded.

1989–The Berlin Wall falls. Ronald Reagan wins the Cold War singlehandedly.

1992-2000–Democrat president Bill Clinton in office. His reckless personal behavior and irresponsible foreign policy choices weaken America internationally. The U.S. economy is almost destroyed by his tax policies. His wife Hillary Clinton furthers the march towards Socialism by advocating for free public health care and to destroy the insurance companies that drive U.S. economic growth.

2000–George Bush elected in a landslide.

2001–Terrorists attack America on September 11th. Because of Bill Clinton’s policies, a weakened border, a lax immigration policy, rampant multiculturalism, and the Democrats’ weakening of the military, America is left open to attack.

2003–Dr. King’s vision is finally made real. In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court strikes down the reverse discrimination policies of the University of Michigan. Freedom rings across the land.

2003–The country of Iraq, a rogue state, part of the Axis of Evil, and led by the dictator Saddam Hussein–a co-conspirator in the 9/11 attacks–is liberated by President George Bush.

2008-Arizona war hero John McCain introduces Sarah Palin to the world.

2008–Barack Obama is elected. America is in a Constitutional crisis as Obama is unable to prove that he is a U.S. citizen.

2008-the present. Brave Americans begin joining Tea Parties and 9-12 freedom groups. Millions of their members march on Washington DC.. Freedom fighter, James David Manning, places Obama on trial in absentia for treason and sedition.

2008–Sarah Palin, mother, governor, author, actress, comedienne and role-model begins here meteoric rise to political stardom. She ushers in an era of robust, common sense approaches to political problems tempered by real American values.

2010–Barack Obama remains President although his rule is illegitimate. Brave patriots such as Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh continue to lead the people’s resistance against his tyrannical rule.

2010-Patriotic legislatures in Texas and Arizona lead the battle against racial quotas and ethnocentrism as they draft legislation to defend all of America from an unending and unfettered stream of foreign invaders.

God damn I wish I'd written that!! Thanks, Chauncey. Keep up the Swift work.


The Jenius Has Quoted.

[Update: 10 June 2010: What Texas History books will be like from now on...]

Black (Humor) Friday

According to some lamebrain Newsweek writer, none other than Our very own lamebrain excuse for a (non)governor, Luis "The Larva" Fortuño, is an "absurdly premature" name on the list of potential Republican Presidential candidates for 2012.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAAAhahahahahahahahahaHAHHAhahahaha

"Absurdly"!!!

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHhahahaahahahahahahHAHAHAhahahaha

Fortuño-Palin for 2012?! One massacres English with a hokey accent and the other is The Larva.

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAhahahahahahaahahAHHAHAHAhahahhahaha

Fortuño-Palin for 2012?! Are they gonna arm wrestle for the Oval Office? Palin'll kick The Larva's ass.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAahahahahahahaHAHAHahahahahahHA

On an economic note more in tune with the day after stuffing turkey and stuffing oneself with said stuffed turkey, a turkey of a former NPP representative by the unlikely name of Nelson Del Valle (Nelson of the Valley...of the Dolls?) reported that $101,200 in cash was stolen from his home.

HAHAHAHAAHHahahawhatthe fuck?!!

One hundred one thousand two hundred dollars? In freaking cash?!? And, uh, Mr. Turkey Valley, why did you have said amount of cash in your house?

"My mom gave it to me."

HAHAHAHAHahahahaHAHAHAHhahahahasmellslikealie

Really, Mr. Turkey Valley? Your mommy--haha--gave you--HAhahaha--more than--HAHAHAHAhahahaha--one hundred thousand--HAHAHAHAHAahahahahHAHAHA--dollars? HAHAHAHAHAahhaahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA

In cash? HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAsnort

Or maybe it was an absurdly premature campaign contribution to "Fortuño-Palin 2012".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The Jenius Has Spoken. 

Thankful to Laugh Hard

My Thanks to Nelson of the ¡Gózatelo! blog for responding to My "Forging Ahead" post.

My reply is in his Comments section. But instead of posting that, I HAVE GOT to post this "Chili Cook-Off" humor piece I found at ¡Gózatelo!. LAUGHED MYSELF TO TEARS! Especially since My lunch (now cold) was My own "Templar Knight Chili" (black beans, red kidney beans, beef, stewed tomatoes, onions, green and red peppers, a touch of garlic and several varieties of chopped hot peppers). Talk about coincidence! Talk about FUNNY!!

The Chili-Cookoff

If you haven't read the following joke, I suggest you get ready to bust a gut and if you suffer from high-blood pressure take your meds before you continue. I almost died reading this account of the Chili-Cookoff!

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI…

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE BARN" CHILI…

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC…

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

The Jenius Has Quoted!

All Hail the Center for The New Economy!

I can barely contain Myself... It's a wonder I can keep My trembling fingers from doubling-up every letter I type as The Jenius marvels--marvels I tell you!--at the latest offering by the Center for the New Economy.

It's a book. But not just any book. No sir! It's a book about--be still My beating heart!--fixing Puerto Rico's economy! Oh frabjous day! Callooh callay!

The title bears the majestic simplicity of gravitas: "Restoring Growth in Puerto Rico." Slap My knee and call me Sally! This title's a winner! Growth is good! Restoring stuff is good! Puerto Rico is My home! Judge a book by its cover I always say!

Oh, vision of Mine, please clear up so I can read through My tears of joy the wise pronouncements of the CNE. As My vision clears, I notice that "CNE" includes the formula for cyanide...

Bad Jenius! Bad Jenius!

Ohohoh! There they are! My chin quivers as the profound insights into Restoring Growth in Puerto Rico leap off the page and drill into My fervid brain...!

Here they are:

1) Create jobs.

2) Promote the development of the private sector.

3) Improve worker skills.

4) Invest in infrastructure.

5) Create a more efficient tax structure.

My jaw drops.

Bounces off the floor, careens off a walker, caroms off a bookshelf featuring vegetarian cookbooks and slides back into place in time for Me to say "Golly."

HOW DID THEY EVER COME UP WITH THESE AMAZING IDEAS?!

Create jobs?! Of course!! That means MORE MONEY in people's pockets!

Develop the private sector?! Of course!! Where ELSE will the "more jobs" come from? Do you SEE--nay! SMELL!!--the brilliance of the CN(E) here? It's enough to take your breath away!

Improve worker skills?! Of course!! New jobs in a New Economy require new skills! The mental prowess in linking these concepts together is..., well, it's...why, it's staggering!

Invest in infrastructure?! Of course!! "Build it and they will come"-thinking is so avant garde! Why do We have to wait for the CN(e) to point it out?

Create a more efficient tax structure?! Of course!! Taxes can be BOTH attractant and revenue, so the greater the efficiency, the greater the yield. My head SPINS in the presence of such profound wisdom!

It's obvious that the fathomless depths of The Brookings Institution played a major role in uncovering these heretofore unimagined breakthroughs for Restoring Growth in Puerto Rico. Let Us not linger on the fact that the book--a holey book as far as The Jenius is concerned--really doesn't say how these ideas can be implemented. Nor does the combined mental gigantism of TBI (which includes the abbreviation for tuberculosis... Bad Jenius! Bad Jenius!) and the CyanideE really know how to explain Puerto Rico's low level of labor force participation.

Of course!! Tuberculosis(I) and cyanide(e) have no time for the mere studiousness of the unwashed, also known as "researchers," who grub up their minds with actual observations and analysis. Fools! Tubercular cyanosis, their new science aimed at restoring growth in Puerto Rico, rises ABOVE such puling pedantry and REACHES for the purest of thoughts, those that "explain" the Universe, leaving the work of actually making something happen to the unenlightened masses. Meaning you and Me.

I bow My head in awe at the thought that We have squandered--squandered I tell you!--over 500 years of Our existence awaiting for the moment when tubercular cyanosis would appear and lead Us to a promised land filled with 1960s thinking.

Did I say "1960s thinking?" Bad Jenius! Bad Jenius!


The Jenius Has Spoken.

Jenius Skewerings

There are times when rather than being the launcher of verbal barbs, The Jenius is on the receiving end. A few examples suffice...though why they are being presented is a mystery to Me.


There are times when The Jenius refers to Himself as "an idiot." After several of those remarks in conversations with the steadily impressive Iván Merced, who always agreed with Me immediately, The Jenius said "The least you can do is take a few seconds and think about it before you agree." Iván asked Me to repeat My remark, so The Jenius called Himself an idiot again. (Very Jenius-like of Me, doncha think?) Iván pretended to think about it for two seconds, then agreed that yes, The Jenius was an idiot. My curiousity compelled Me to ask him: "Why don't you argue with Me about it?" to which he replied "I respect you too much to argue." Zing.


In a recent e-mail with the delightful Carol, from Texas via Louisiana, (or as The Jenius calls it, Baja Arkansas) The Jenius went off on a typical ego-boosting paragraph that included the word "bask", as in "bask in My glory." Tickled by the word, My next paragraph had Me writing "baskbaskbaskbaskbask" in imitation of saying a word out loud many times until it loses its meaning and becomes silly (or stupid.) Carol replied that "bask" repeated so often did lose its meaning, until she realized it made sense because The Jenius was "a bask(et) case." Zing.


A recent work session had The Jenius offering to help write a few pages of an important document that the hard-working José Rodríguez was putting together. In a moment of wit, The Jenius asked José "So you want it spelled correctly?" He quietly asked back "Is that an option?"

Floored Me. Cracked Me up! Practically bust a gut laughing. This is the same guy who frequently misquotes a commenter to these posts who called The Jenius "egotistical and self-centered." José believes the commenter called Me "egotistical and obnoxious."

Maybe they're both right. And yet, The Jenius does get a kick out of being taken down a notch or two by these flashes of superior wit.

But, rest assured, none of these people are on My Christmas list.

The Jenius Has Spoken