09 January 2008

Jellyfish Sting

I've been saving this one up for a long time...

Imagine you are the beleaguered governor of a state in open crisis, with fierce opposition and a lunatic fringe hounding you at every step.

Imagine you come into office on the heels of the lamest administration in the state's history, one where the "leader" outright quit and just let the whole ship of state be cast adrift.

Imagine that you have--and you know you have--an uncanny sense of political strategy, and that you may be a colossal dud as a governor, but you can seriously kick ass in a campaign.

Welcome to Metaphor Manor. Your Jenial host presents Aníbal Acevedo Vilá, a.k.a The Jellyfish, a spineless wonder that is never given a chance...and yet keeps floating along. For as you might have noticed with sea-dwelling jellyfish, it isn't when they are in sight that they hurt you, it's when you forget about them and don't see them that they sting.

Jellyfish (the governor) is facing either Pedro Stupid Rosselló--he of the mad dog demeanor and absolute lack of integrity at every level--or Luis "Nimrod" Fortuño, a pale imitation of a leader and an outright lock for "Unmanned of the Year" awards. Now who do you think Jellyfish wants to face: The Stupid mad dog with enough corruption barnacles to sink the Lusitania or the Nimrod with no personality?

Yeah, you got it: The Stupid mad dog, because Jellyfish beat him once and he can beat him again and again like rented mule (pun definitely intended.) The Jellyfish strategy against Stupid Rosselló is simple: Pound him on corruption and integrity issues. Sit back and wait for the re-election.

With Nimrod, Jellyfish has to work, and spend, and take a chance that some people will read something into Nimrod’s blandness and think he may have leadership potential. At that point, if Jellyfish isn’t at the top of his game, he could end up rehearsing a concession speech after the 6-week recount.

So what will Jellyfish do? He will help Stupid win the primary. Stupid, who “isn’t running”, but will go to almost every freaking town on the Island before the March vote, is somewhat behind in a variety of polls. And if you think Stupid Rosselló won’t accept the Jellyfish’s help, you are dead wrong: Of course he will. Above all, he knows that his only chance to return to power and save his worthless ass is to regain La Fortaleza. He figures that once it’s down to a two-man (two-creature) race, anything can happen.

But if things hold true to form, the something that will happen will be another nothing, another four years of fierce opposition, an increasing lunatic fringe and more retrogression.

Unless The Jellyfish is undermined by his underlings, who figure that four years with “the enemy” in charge may posit a better chance for Our growth than a limp-wristed rerun.

Politics: The only game with no winners.

The Jenius Has Spoken.


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