01 August 2007

How to Stay Broke

From Consumerist.com, the kind of article I should have written. So, with a combination of "Take that!" and "Damn it!", here's 10 Tips That Will Make Sure You're Always Broke:

We know you don't really like having money. That's why we've put together these 10 tips that will help ensure you never will:

1) Make Shopping Your Hobby.

Nothing to do on a Tuesday night? Go to the store. Doesn't matter which one. Just go and bring your credit card. Better yet, open a store credit card and buy a bunch of stuff. Hey! You saved 10%! Sure, you didn't actually know you "needed" this stuff until you saw it at the store, but it's just so cute!

2) Don't Have a Budget.

Look, you know about how much money you make and about how much you spend on basic costs. Then you need your "play money." After that, if there's anything left, it can sit in your non-interest bearing checking account until next month. As long as there is something in there, you're doing well.

Sure, you overdraft now and then, but big deal. It doesn't happen every day.

3) Impress Your Friends By Buying Them Expensive Stuff You Can't Afford.

If Betty registers a $10,000 silver platter for her wedding... you should get it for her. Yeah, so you went into debt? Betty is your best friend. She'd do the same for you. What? You don't want to look cheap!

4) Go Grocery Shopping When You're Hungry, With No List.

Don't plan you meals. Always eat "whatever you feel like." Go shopping when you're really hungry and make sure to buy everything that looks yummy! Mmmm! Lobster! Another good tip is to go shopping on "sample day" and buy everything you try. Smoked Gouda! Caviar! Little pigs in a blanket! Pizza rolls! Yay!

5) Go To The Little ATM At The Gas Station. A Lot.

It's only $1.50, get over it. The bank is sooooo far away. Just get money wherever it's convenient. Who cares about the fees? Same goes for overdraft fees and other banking fees. It's not that big of a deal.

6) Buy Lots and Lots of "Comfort Items" Without Considering The Cost.

You need your latte. You need your new shoes. You need Madden 08. You need a blu-ray player. You need cable. You need an iPhone. You need more DVDs. You need to buy a book instead of going to the library. You need to play a MMORPG . You need 150 shades of lipstick. You need to see every movie that comes out, then buy the poster and an action figure. You need to go to every concert. You need to buy the T-shirt. You need lots of brand new clothes every month.

You need these things to be happy. If you don't have each and every single one of them you will be so depressed that you may actually die. Don't take the risk.

7) Don't Open A High Interest Savings Account

High-interest savings accounts are for old people. You don't need to save yet. Or at all. You have that, you know, plan thing at work where they save money for you. And you can use your credit cards for any emergencies that might come up. So you'll be OK.

8) Run Up Lots Of Credit Card Debt

Don't worry, you'll pay it off at some point. When? Um. When you make more money than you do now. Duh. Besides, if the credit card company says you can afford to take out $17,000 at 18% they must know what they're talking about, right? They don't want to lose their money!

9) Let Yourself Go.

Don't work out or change the oil in your car. If you get sick, take half the medicine, that way you'll get sick again really quickly and get to spend more on medical bills. Take crappy care of your car and your house so that when something breaks it costs a ton of money to fix. Also, buy a gas-guzzling car and leave your windows open with the air conditioning on. Don't brush your teeth or eat healthful foods. Make sure to buy lots of things that are very expensive to maintain, then neglect them. Who cares?

10) Buy Your Children Whatever They Want

Your kid can't go to school unless he/she is dressed in all the latest fashions. Also, he/she must have better toys than other children or you are a bad parent. Disappointment is bad for children. If children don't get everything they want, it makes them bad at math. True story. Also, if you don't sign your kid up for tons and tons of expensive classes and activities, he/she will fail at life and live under a bridge. And it will be your fault.

The Jenius Has Quoted.


Morgan said...

Gil - You've just described most of the people who live in California! I know because that's where I live. And the sad part is that there are only a few hundred who have any sense and don't follow the 10 rules you posted. P.S. We're moving soon! Take it easy.

Maria M. said...

But I do need an iPhone....

Unfortunately this is the way most Puerto Ricans think, and sadly the way I was raised. "Vivir en el ahora y resolver después¨, ¨Olvídate, que la última cuenta la paga el diablo¨. It’s not easy to save, especially when you think you don’t have that much, or that you don’t posses the ability to have a bigger income. That’s the first problem, your way of thinking and I’m working on mine. I´m not a materialistic person. I don´t like to work for money alone. But I’m determined to break the habit of many generations. I´m not gonna stay broke the rest of my life.

P.S. Seriously, I need to get one of those iPhones.