New Slogan for Puerto Rico

It's about time Puerto Rico adopted a new slogan. Usually the province of the Tourism Company--a collection of pipe dreamers in need of higher brain functions--We've had slogans such as "Puerto Rico Does It Better" (aimed at Us rather than Them), "Come Explore the Continent of Puerto Rico" (the incontinent We hide) and the ever-pithy and pitiful "Puerto Rico U.S.A."

Seeing as how The Fools continue wrapped up in the über-absorbing nuances of fleecing Us like doped sheep, I thought I'd suggest a new slogan for Puerto Rico, one guaranteed to make an impact and sidestep the hallucination of pie-in-the-sky foolishness for nitty-gritty, get to work realism.

Here it is: PUERTO RICO: CLOSED FOR REPAIRS.

Catchy. I know.

Finally! A slogan We can relate to and that the rest of the world can grasp in a nanosecond. Refreshingly honest, but with a touch of hope that warms the heart.

Yeah, We need to start using this slogan like yesterday. Puerto Rico: Closed for Repairs would immediately place Us on the global mental map of every media-connected person in the world, not only because it makes a bold statement, but because it implies a promise of "You'll be happy when you check Us out again!"

Isn't that what We need? A statement that garners attention, that cuts through the inane clutter of media overkill, grabbing people's eyes and ears like rabid wolverines and making them notice Us? One that has the fundamental power of Truth behind it, rather than the wishy-washy hypocrisy of the past? And to top it off, one that not only tells the world "We're worthier of your attention in the future," but sets the stage for Us to take responsibility, take charge and fix this mess already?

And here's the best part: We don't actually close. Yeah, I know, that's almost tantamount to lying, but short of hellholes like Cuba, North Korea and Iran, no one really closes a country. But by saying it, We also attract curiosity, the rubber-necking instinct that people have of wanting to see what might be bad. So, by stating the obvious and making it plain, We stand a really good chance of improving Our declining tourism numbers, all the while setting the stage for even greater growth in the future. Brilliant! A tourism campaign that actually delivers the goods!

Of course, the growth depends on making the repairs. One step at a time, okay? It's just a slogan, for now.

Puerto Rico: Closed for Repairs. Would that it were.


The Jenius Has Spoken.