10 November 2008

Larva Lowdown

In the kind of coup you see in Three Stooges films, governor-elect Luis "Larva" Fortuño showed two serious problems before he takes office:

1) He has no control over his party.

2) His biggest supporters are numbskulls. Even by statehood party standards.

Squabbling on the victory platform turned what should have been a crowning political moment (akin to winning Miss Pork Sausage 2008) into a hissy-fit, led by the usually-offensive Thomas "Tantrum" Rivera. "Tantrum" has the demeanor of an S.S. trooper and the behavioral pattern of a rabid dog with itchy butt. A loyal supporter of former governor Pedro Stupid Rosselló, "Tantrum" is best known for acting all hinky and snarly when his limited intelligence or vocabulary is challenged.

Given that, you can see why he's the next Senate President. No? Well, golly gee, slap My tushie and call Me Tammy! He's there because soon-to-be-former Senate President Kenneth "Slow-brow" McClintock is a traitor! To the party! Useless! (I'm imitating "Tantrum." No, I'm probably quoting him.)

So Stupid supporters--and the party "elite" is filled with them, leaving dregs of dregs for the Larva--have their strong lever in the Larva cabinet. Over in the House, former Stupid puppet José "Scarecrow" Aponte, whose Christmas list used to be only "I wish I had my own brain", battled feebly against the ponderous juggernaut known as Jenniffer "Gluttony" Gonzalez, the 32-year old bulldozer who's best known for her championing of... herself.

Glued to the Larva from way back, "Gluttony" set her sights on leap-frogging (with hydraulic assistance, naturally) more experienced representatives and achieved that goal. She brings no clear platform other than naked self-interest. At least in that sense, We know what to expect.

So dismal is this scenario that one local paper weakly defended the mutiny by saying that the Larva would have "approval and control of the budget," decided at the House level, ignoring the fact that it is at the Senate level that specific appropriations--the earmarks and handouts--are doled out. "Control of the budget?" Dream on.

Four years ago, We saw a weak-willed governor take office with a hostile Legislature as opposition. In about 7 weeks, We will see a weak-willed governor take office with a hostile Legislature as opposition. And if you think because they all nominally belong to the same party that this will mean greater cooperation between them than what We had these past four years, let Me remind you that the crudest, bloodiest and most injurious wars are, without question, civil wars.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

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