Firing (at) Fools

In a laughable attempt at gaining the first shred of near-control of his (non)administration, The Larva, d/no b/a (non)governor Luis Fortuño has decided to fire the legislature.

Now I know he can't do that and the legislature senses--in the mindless way parasites react to a suitable host--that it can't really be fired by the ankle of the Executive branch (no, not the head...definitely far from being the head.) No, that ain't about to happen...but it's what The Larva is trying to do.

In a speech delivered with the panache of a badly-made brick and half that in content, The Larva mumbled something about pushing the unicameral issue to a conclusion and cutting the legislative budget mainly by reducing Our Fools in the legislature from full-time bloodsucking vermin with the morals of a herd of rabid crack skanks to part-time bloodsucking vermin with the morals of a smaller herd of rabid crack skanks.

He may have said it less--metaphorically--than I did, but his intention was clear: It's time to (try) to hack these pests to pieces.

Now the odds of that happening are about the same as The Larva winning a Nobel Prize in anything but insipidness. The legislature gets to vote on whether (a) It wants to be reduced to one chamber, (b) It reduces their lack of commitment from full-time to part-time and (c) It cuts its cash teat. They've already made clear--through open indifference and even low-bred defiance--that option (a) isn't going anywhere. Options (b) and (c) lack even a referendum vote to make 'em worthy of any feeble attempt at a grunt-level discussion, so who expects them to gain any traction?

What The Larva wants to do is deliver a gut-level punch at the Fools (mainly of his own party) that sit/squat in the senate and house and make his days as (non)governor a helluva lot more "non" than anything else. But instead of a crippling body blow, what he delivered was a namby-pamby version of "I'll take my bat and balls and go home," when he isn't on the team and he has neither bat nor balls.

Yeah, I went there.

Former (un)governor Aníbal "The Jellyfish" Acevedo tried option (a) in 2005 and it worked, seeing as how he could rally his party to "punish" the opposing party squatting in the legislature. And even then he barely got 22% of voters to move. What percentage does The Larva have on his side when you subtract opposing party voters, malcontents and 70-80% of his own party's base? Probably enough to set up a volleyball league...if you limit it to four teams...

So The Larva swung and missed. His other major idea, closing down bars and such at midnight during the week and 2 a.m. on weekends, is supercilious at best. Our problems are not caused by bars being open until dawn, and though I could give a rat's ass what time bars close, this "change" is way out on the fringe of Our shredded tapestry of progress. If this is the best The Larva can do, then maybe getting drunk way past "closing time" is a good option.

Here's My proposal for The Larva on the matter of firing the Fools:

1) Admit you are what you are, a spineless dweeb being undercut to pieces by the legislature. We already know this--don't ever think We don't--but hearing it will engender the natural supportive reaction from the crowd when a leader (even if you aren't one) admits a major weakness.

2) Point out that the Fools over there are not only wasting Our time and ruining Our future, they are the highest-paid legislature in any real democracy. The catch: It's the truth. It's the fucking truth. Even you can hammer the truth until it starts to hurt the Fools, right? Even you can do that. And if you can't, just quit. Just quit and haul your skinny ass to some consulting job in the popsicle stick industry. 

3) Assuming you delude yourself into doing #2 (in a (non)literal sense, this time) shine the damning light of truth on the Fools in the legislature... and don't stop until after you've pushed through a a dual-proposition referendum: unicameral yes/no (again) and from full-time to part-time yes/no, but this time add the timetable for acting on the "yes" answers. Take it to the Puerto Rico Supreme Court if you have to (you will), but at least you'll be working for Us, O Larva, instead of waffling against Us.

Step over here, Larva, for some final words. You might think this is too narrow an agenda for you to put your not-considerable political muscle into; you're wrong. You have nothing now, you face a snarling carnivore and a sneaky omnivore in the legislature and you have the traction of a banana peel on olive oil-drenched ice. In other words, you're screwed. The tactic here is to pick a fight you can win (okay, maybe almost win), make the Fools that hound you react instead of you reacting every time they grunt and place yourself on the people's side, if only as an illusion.

Because the reality is that you're a wimp and the only way wimps win is to get the mob on their side. And to get this mob on your side, there's nothing better than an issue targeting money and how unfairly the Fools steal if from Us. That's your slogan to going from wimp to wooer.

There. Even you can deliver that message. 

I guess.

The Jenius Has Spoken.