Check(mate) This Out

Jeepers.

Just when you thought the local department of (mis)education could not possibly shoot itself with an even bigger caliber of stupidity, out comes the mega-monster howitzer of stupidity to fire this shot into Our collective numb skulls: We have now dropped chess from Our schools...because it promotes "sedentary behavior and obesity."

Don't give Me that look. I ain't lying. A centuries-old game proven to develop thinking skills, proven to challenge minds of all ages to stretch, to ponder logical actions and plan ahead, in short, to become better thinkers and learners is no longer an activity supported by Our pus-riddled educational system because you have to sit down to play it.

To paraphrase Ignatius Reilly, I can feel My sphincters slamming shut.

The barely-literate reason for dropping chess is based on "a concern about the increase in obesity," which according to this absolute freaking genius of a department, can be directly linked to being sedentary. And since SO MANY of Our students play chess and SO MANY of Our students are overweight, ergo "Let's Drop Chess, That Evil Scourge Of Healthy Weight!"

My head hurts.

In My desire to help morons stop being morons, a futile exercise, but indulge My follies please, here are three things We can eliminate from Our schools that would have a much greater impact on obesity than just dropping chess:

1) Close all the bathrooms. They foster sedentary behavior and you don't have to be a (mis)education department drone to know that students spend way more time in bathrooms than playing chess. Oh, and smoking is tied to heart disease, a factor in obesity. Just saying.

2) Close the cafeterias. It has been proven in several major studies done in obscure eastern European countries and Topeka that amongst the leading causes of obesity is overeating. Look it up. Not only overeating, but also eating while sitting down. My word! At least in chess you are moving one arm without any food in it!

3) Close the damn schools. You want to eliminate sedentary? Then close schools where "Shut up and stay seated" is the order of every day and where the intellect is stimulated to the same degree bouncing a pebble off of Mount Everest leaves a scar. In chess the few students who participate are active, thinking participants that according to the morons are getting fat by doing that, so what can they say about all Our students being passive, near-comatose lumps getting fat because of the system?

Nothing. They can't say a damn thing. They can't think, they can only react, like worms prodded with a twig in the anus. Or the head. It's the same organ in their case.

Dropping chess is a clear admission that Our educational system has no clue, no idea, not even the most feeble concept of what's needed to improve Our schools, the same schools where teaching is a joke, sewers run rampant and no one in the system knows what the dropout rate is because it involves using math.

I can't wait until they officially ban the sedentary crime of reading...

The Jenius Has Spoken

[Update: 25 Sept 2010: The vacuums that be (cuz they ain't "powers") have reinstated chess in the curriculum. Reading is still under scrutiny...]

[Update: 21 Sept 2011: Armenia makes chess mandatory in all schools, because it "helps children develop responsibility and accountability for their actions." Yeah, Mammon forbid We teach that crap to Our kids...]