13 September 2010

The Shaft (And A Cliff [Note])

Here's the latest shaft--literally--We are on the receiving end of: A gas pipeline crossing the Island from the south coast to the north coast, then making a 90-degree turn east to San Juan.

The idea, if such a beautiful word can be attached to this sack of crap, is to pump natural gas from the southeast coast (using the old oil refinery location abandoned since the 1980s), crossing the west-central mountain region, cutting through communities, schools (even the campus of the University of Puerto Rico in Utuado), recreational facilities and pure Nature, then heading east mirroring the roadways to reach the electrical generation sites west of San Juan.

Do tell.

The ostensible (by that I mean, "the lying") reason is that by using natural gas to partially power Our electrical grid, We can reduce the overall cost of said grid and--here it comes--the consumer can save up to 30% on his or her future electrical bill.


I'd impressed with this pathetic excuse for an idea if not for these three fatal flaws, and by fatal I mean "Get the hell outta here with this moronic scheme":

1) We have no natural gas, except for that produced by Our Fools in government, which if tapped properly, could power Us to Mars and beyond at just under Warp 2. So the idea here (and there is an idea here) is to hook up gas-collection tubes to each Fool's mouth and ass (the mouth producing 478% more gas than the ass, except in a few isolated cases) and trick them into thinking a large audience is watching their every move. Voilá! Enough natural gas per hour to power the Asian Tigers and Burkina Faso.

2) The gas pipeline would negatively affect hundreds of acres and thousands of people, not only during construction, but in its operation. It's one thing to have a gas pipeline stuck in the middle of nowhere; it's another to have some huge shaft sitting amidst a population density of over 1,050 persons per square mile. Maybe only John Holmes could pull that off and he died of AIDS.

3) This gas pipeline is not in any way a solution: it is simply a boondoggle. It has no intention or goal of solving any problem We have related to Our crumbling energy grid. The gas pipeline's only true purpose is to provide a cash box for the syphillis-addled monkeys We (mostly) re-elected 2 years ago to spread around. It's a way of creating a "new" market for natural gas--to be regulated by the government, of course--that screams "kickbacks." It's a way of favoring certain interests over others in the purchasing of lands for the intended shaft, a process The Larva's chief of shaft--staff--Marcos "MouthFart" Rodríguez is a proven whiz at. And to complete this reaming and build this hollow steel dildo, the whole (mis)construction process will make the Tammany Hall fiascos seem like Romper Room skits. (Go look both of those references up; I'm busy here.)

You know the worst part? In Our modern political system, just announcing this shaft creates a business boom, part entrepreneurial, part corruption, all needless because its sole purpose is to funnel money into special interest and government pockets for something that doesn't exist. This "project announcement" creates nothing, adds no value to Us and only serves to play "musical cash" that We underwrite when the Fools--MouthFart, gas-passing, methane-heads--cram some legislation and special bond emissions down Our throat to pay for this scam, thus completing one of the proposed double penetrations.

And for you statehooders out there, what I'm saying above is that the government's a dick screwing Us. Let's call that sentence "The Jenius Cliff Notes," as in "We're going off a cliff here."

The Jenius Has Spoken.

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