My Vote in November

Come November, My vote for governor will be given to Spongebob Squarepants.

Don't look at Me that way: I am not joking.

When My time comes to walk into a shabby school and present My Voter I.D. card, I will be carrying an orange Sharpie in My pocket. With the three slices of tree life in hand, I will enclose Myself in the voting booth, lay open the proper sheet and write in large capital letters SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS where "Governor" is written in.

And I will smile.

Wasted vote? How the hell is a vote taken wasted? (Oh, wait. That's what 2000 and 2004 showed in the U.S. of part of A.) Aside from that, writing in Spongebob Squarepants, Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, Lassie, Batman (did that!) or My name means I am NOT voting for any of the Fools listed on that ballot. That is a legitimate use of My vote and as such, is not wasted.

Could the election be so close that My vote--God forbid--comes to mean the difference between Fool A and Fool B? Let Me put it this way: If My vote were the difference between your dog being killed by a bullet or being killed by lethal injection, does My vote really make a damn difference? Not to your dog.

Maybe I exaggerate. Maybe the choice between Fool A and Fool B is not "a dead dog" at the end of it all. Oh, really? Tell Me what makes Fool A different from Fool B. Go ahead. Because that's the fucking essence of an electoral campaign and that's exactly what these shitheads are NOT doing.

Maybe I should refrain from obscene language and say it with greater decorum: The reason I can use Fool A and Fool B as examples and you know exactly what I mean is because you acknowledge that Fool A, B, C and D are interchangeable, that their potential is nil as leaders of Our Island and that it really doesn't matter a whit who We pick.

Because We know Our problems are too big to be solved by one Fool. And they aren't even trying.

Here's the checklist of campaign actions the candidates use, in descending order of use: Lie, sling mud, rebut a lie, misrepresent, blither, disdain, obfuscate, take out of context, denigrate, gossip, joke, dissemble, white lie (a lie that can be "easily" corrected as "an error"), rant, insult and state your case. For a Fool to get down to "state your case" means that s/he is already a lost cause, a short-run maverick or a lunatic. The media hates the first, patronizes the second and slobbers over the third. But none an elected leader will ever be.

So.

The first Sunday in November, ten days before My Birthday (and Day 19 of My Birthday Extravaganza), orange Sharpie in pocket and anti-cootie juice sprayed all over Me, I will gladly--proudly--vote for Spongebob Squarepants for Governor of Puerto Rico.

And what will I do with the other two ballots? I'm thinking of variations of a short four-letter verb meaning fornication and the pronoun "you"...

The Jenius Has Spoken.