06 August 2008

Political Funny Car Drag

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the 2008 Political Funny Car Drag!


The two favorites, Wimpy Red (Pro Commonwealth Drag...Gang) and Sappy Blue (Pro Statehood Drag...Mob) are pulling up to the Starter's Table. Both are magnificent specimens of pure sponsorship, plastered over and over...and over and over...and over and over...and over and over and over and over with stickers of supporters both private and commercial! Look at those stickers roll!! 

Funny thing about those Funny Cars: They are so smothered with stickers that--and most people don't know this, so listen up!--they are so smothered with stickers that they don't have a chassis anymore!! That's right, you speed freaks! Those cars are nothing but stickers! 

And you wanna know more? Of course you do, you speed fiends! All that money you put into Wimpy Red and Sappy Blue for "high-powered fuel"? Well they don't use that stuff at all! They run those sticker-babies with the cheapest crap they can find! The rest of the money goes to the "Support Teams" who invest it in high-powered....living. How about that, you speed demons?!

Chugging up to the Starter's Table now is none other than the gray Chevy Nova of the Green Ghost Unit. No stickers here, speed psychos! No paint, either, at least, not anymore. No new tires. No new anything... Even the "R.B." fuzzy dice dangling from the rear-view mirror look wasted. Hell, the seat in that baby has been used so often by the same driver it only fits the withered flanks of "Rapid" Rubén Berríos. 

Look at him meander up to the Starter's Table! Not a hint of competitiveness or urgency! How laid-back can you get, speed bums? Too bad his "No va" had its engine replaced by that of a whiny scooter, and his gear box has only two gears: Neutral and Reverse. But he's still here chowing down at the robust--nay! humongous!--free buffet he hasn't missed since 1970!! After he gets done with it, he's gonna need a dump truck to haul away his buffet shares and his ghostly No va...

I hear a bell! Yes! He made it! Coasting in on its racing bike is none other than Wasted Time, the newest entry in the Funny Car Drag.


Sure! It might be just a bike, but it's got a sail! Right there! A huge sail...that has a hole in the middle where the driver's face should be. What can that mean, speed geeks?! Can anyone fill that hole? Oh, something's up, speed dorks! There's "Revolution" Rogelio Figueroa trying to patch the sail's 30-foot hole...with a hanky.

A dirty hanky...

Awright! Let's give him a hand, speed feebs! What an effort! What a guy! And yes, I can hear you, speed creeps: What a loser!

Well, that's all for now, folks. Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for being part of the 2008 Funny Car Drag. 


Like you had a choice... Oh, that's right: You do.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

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