28 February 2008

Bids Open

Here's an idea: Let's place Puerto Rico on eBay.

The purpose is to offer Ourselves as the prime material for someone's best idea, with "best" being "the most millions." Here's how I'd phrase the offer:

Sunny Caribbean island with 4 million eager money-beavers ready to make a move. Warm tropical environment peppered with high-tech facilities that are increasingly easy to pick up. Retail heaven what with an underground economy where cash is king, queen and prince. (That cash is looking for a home...if you catch my drift.)

Some slight damage involving regulations with cement-like fluidity and 35% "unemployed", but money can oil the hinges (if you know what I mean) and there are 200,000 - 300,000 "ultra-eager" money-beavers (from, uh, outside this island) that truly make up for their less-energetic brethren. (For more information, e-mail the Consulate of the Dominican Republic.)

Other perks? Plenty (plenty!) of Miss Universe contestants, fun-loving calendar and indecision-induced manipulability. Recent events in Cuba make bidding on Puerto Rico a must: High levels of economic anxiety are ratcheting upwards, tourism is expecting a severe downturn and the political scene has no clue. Bring your great idea to Puerto Rico, bid 'til you win and turn your idea into OUR idea...and rake in the bucks!

Of course, the bidders here would be nations, even though there are several individuals who have the assets to float a bid or two. Who would be the prime bidders? Here's a list with reasons:

Brazil: Access to primary U.S. markets
Colombia: Money-laundering
Eastern European republics: High-tech market penetration
Russian Federation republics: See Colombia
South Korea: Working vacations made easy
Japan: Golf and to deny South Korea its working vacations
Singapore: To create another economic colony
China: Because they can

Limit the contract to a 20-year period, open it at $20 billion and let the bids fly!!

What? Economic slavery? So what else is new? Dignity? Dignity stands up for itself: We don't. Political obstacles? Give Uncle Sam a 15% agent's fee and that ends that.

Let the bidding begin!

The Jenius Has Spoken.


Nelson said...

Oh... my... god!

I have never hurt myself from laughing so hard. I have tears in my eyes, and it ain't because of the reality of Puerto Rico's state.

But because your post was crazy funny! LOL!

Gil C. Schmidt said...

This cracked Me up while I was writing it! Happy to be of service!