31 October 2008

Head Beggars' Halloween Hunt

What We want in a Head Beggar, also known as Resident Commissioner of Puerto Rico in Congress, is the ability to bring in the goods. You know, the dinero, the moola, the big bucks cajoled from the huge (though shrinking) pockets of Uncle Sam. There is no other measure of results (success?) in this position except greenbacks, dead presidents (oh how I wish one of them were), you know, the piles of cold hard cash.

Part of the deal, apparently, is how they look, as Aníbal "Jellyfish" Acevedo's $3,000 suits proved. So if dressing up is part of the gig and just bringing back a huge stash is the mondo blast, then I suggest We cancel all future Head Beggar elections and just have them compete in a Halloween Candy Hunt.

The rules are simple: Each Head Beggar candidate is given $3,000 (the traditional amount, don't you think?) to outfit themselves. On October 31st, at exactly 5:59 p.m., the candidates are told where they have to go to collect their candy. They have exactly three hours to get to their designated location, collect all the candy they can--by themselves--and then have their bags of beggared loot weighed. Highest poundage wins.

The advantages of this system are numerous:

--No one cares that much about the Head Beggar candidates, so this puts them in the spotlight.

--We save tons of money on their useless campaign expenses.

--We get to measure the actual abilities a Head Beggar will truly need to be successful in Congress: opportunistic weaseling, fast feet and no dignity or sense of shame.

--The whole thing can be televised for a ratings blockbuster, thus generating money.

--Because the locations where the candidates will go will be chosen at random from anywhere on the Island (We must ensure the purity of this process), supporters of each party's Head Beggar would stock up on candy...so kids almost everywhere can make out like bandits with the surplus.

And as a final addendum to this process, We could save money on legislative elections by having each party's senate and house candidates (no capital letters merited) have an eating competition, whereby all the candy collected by the the Head Beggars is split into equal portions and the fastest eaters of their portion win a seat. I don't see this as being as necessary as the Head Beggar Hunt, but it would certainly amuse Me to see the piggish gluttons openly acting as such.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

1 comment:

ramonathebrave said...

$3,000 on an outfit?

All I can do is shake my head in disgust.