29 August 2008

Recycled Garbage...Not

This won't take long...

Recycling efforts in Puerto Rico are few, far between and largely ineffective. The best government estimate of their impact on the total amount of garbage We produce is less than 1%.

Less. Than. 1%.

That's like licking a brick wall in hopes of tasting ice cream... The estimate lacks true weight because it is not based on any true statistical study*, but let's say it's off by a factor of 100%, in other words, it grossly under-estimates the impact of recycling. That error, the one the government would NOT be expected to make, still leaves Us with a barely a 2% overall impact of recycling on an Island that "boasts" the highest level of per capita garbage production in the world. 

Why are We engaging in so much effort for so little return?


1) There's federal monies in them there recyclin' hills. Where there's Fed funny money, there's funny farm freeloaders ready to rip it off.

2) It allows for political public relations at the Mayoral level. Those trucks and trash cans have to say something, right? So how about they just mention Old Melon-Head Mayor while We're at it?

3)  It doesn't matter how well it's done so long as it is done. What gets measured gets improved. Corollary: What gets measured is worth improving. Footnote: Repeat * above.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

27 August 2008

My Vote in November

Come November, My vote for governor will be given to Spongebob Squarepants.

Don't look at Me that way: I am not joking.

When My time comes to walk into a shabby school and present My Voter I.D. card, I will be carrying an orange Sharpie in My pocket. With the three slices of tree life in hand, I will enclose Myself in the voting booth, lay open the proper sheet and write in large capital letters SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS where "Governor" is written in.

And I will smile.

Wasted vote? How the hell is a vote taken wasted? (Oh, wait. That's what 2000 and 2004 showed in the U.S. of part of A.) Aside from that, writing in Spongebob Squarepants, Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, Lassie, Batman (did that!) or My name means I am NOT voting for any of the Fools listed on that ballot. That is a legitimate use of My vote and as such, is not wasted.

Could the election be so close that My vote--God forbid--comes to mean the difference between Fool A and Fool B? Let Me put it this way: If My vote were the difference between your dog being killed by a bullet or being killed by lethal injection, does My vote really make a damn difference? Not to your dog.

Maybe I exaggerate. Maybe the choice between Fool A and Fool B is not "a dead dog" at the end of it all. Oh, really? Tell Me what makes Fool A different from Fool B. Go ahead. Because that's the fucking essence of an electoral campaign and that's exactly what these shitheads are NOT doing.

Maybe I should refrain from obscene language and say it with greater decorum: The reason I can use Fool A and Fool B as examples and you know exactly what I mean is because you acknowledge that Fool A, B, C and D are interchangeable, that their potential is nil as leaders of Our Island and that it really doesn't matter a whit who We pick.

Because We know Our problems are too big to be solved by one Fool. And they aren't even trying.

Here's the checklist of campaign actions the candidates use, in descending order of use: Lie, sling mud, rebut a lie, misrepresent, blither, disdain, obfuscate, take out of context, denigrate, gossip, joke, dissemble, white lie (a lie that can be "easily" corrected as "an error"), rant, insult and state your case. For a Fool to get down to "state your case" means that s/he is already a lost cause, a short-run maverick or a lunatic. The media hates the first, patronizes the second and slobbers over the third. But none an elected leader will ever be.


The first Sunday in November, ten days before My Birthday (and Day 19 of My Birthday Extravaganza), orange Sharpie in pocket and anti-cootie juice sprayed all over Me, I will gladly--proudly--vote for Spongebob Squarepants for Governor of Puerto Rico.

And what will I do with the other two ballots? I'm thinking of variations of a short four-letter verb meaning fornication and the pronoun "you"...

The Jenius Has Spoken.

25 August 2008

News Trio

News Item #1: Let's start with the whiff of corruption We've all come to know: FBI searches office of Puerto Rico senator.

Sigh. That the target is Jorge "Won't Somebody Put Me Out of My Misery!" De Castro Font is just icing on the cowflop.  The usual off-key song and spastic dance will occur: Calls for "Mr. Misery" to resign, lamentations of what this does to Our image, "Mr. Misery" refusing to resign to "prove" he's innocent, dumb people rallying around "Mr. Misery" and so on...

I'll take the moment to point out a long-standing phenomenon of local politics: Commonwealthers who switch to the statehood (emphasis on hood) party are immediately taken in as LEADERS (yes, in capital letters and everything), whereas statehooders (emphasis you-know-where) who switch to the commonwealth party are treated as lepers in remission, i.e. "Good to see you, but don't mingle with the clean folks."

Jorge De Castro is the most recent of a modest line of commonwealth party Fools, including Roberto Rexach and Sergio Peña, where they were second-rank lunkheads at best, who jumped to the other side and instantly became LEADERS. The hood (hahaha) couldn't get enough of these power-grubbers, for that is what they are and that is all they are. They are not idealists, they are not visionaries, they are not public servants: Their only--ONLY--criteria for switching sides was to preserve their little pigsty platform of political power. Nothing more, nothing less. 

It seems evident that the statehood party has long lacked intellectuals, but then again, intellectuals can't stand idiotic positions.

News Item #2: Puerto Rican middle class flocks to S. Florida; recession cited.

The Jenius has been all over the "brain drain" issue, just as We have been discussing it since the early 70s. But is the exodus a boon "over there"? El Nuevo Día closed its Orlando edition citing high costs and reduced revenue. Sure, the overall malaise that newspapers wallow in could be a factor, as is the general downturn of the economy. But wouldn't the estimated 300,000+ "Floricans" in Central and Southern Florida sustain a newspaper, even a fish-wrapper specimen like El Nuevo Día?

Apparently not.  Could it be that those leaving Puerto Rico don't want to or don't care to keep up with its happenings anymore? Could it be that those leaving embody the "Me? Read? No!" dynamic so prevalent on Our Island?  Or is it that those leaving are simply not identifying as closely with Puerto Rico as those who stay? 

Or could it be that El Nuevo Día is simply too pathetic a newspaper to make a go of it?

News Item #3: A bright spot in the Caribbean , but with a big price tag.

Makes it seem like We're for sale, but no: The article is about the high cost of energy in Puerto Rico. In typical Caribbean Business style, it drops names and the ball with equal skill, giving the impression that Puerto Rico is on the cutting edge of solving its energy problem while simultaneously undercutting current efforts.

Let's get a couple of things straight: Puerto Rico is maxing out its energy infrastructure almost daily, depends on oil for almost 100% of its energy production (yes, almost 100%; don't get Me started down this road...too late) and the Power Authority diddles itself and screws the citizenry trying to protect itself from what should be the solution: Privatization and competition.

The Power Authority refuses to honor buy-back agreements, a fact proven by the latest Incentives Law that forces the Power Authority to come up with an energy buy-back plan 11 years after they first started on one. "Fuel adjustment costs" are rising at a 40% clip, a rate that matches the cost of 100% oil-based energy production. If We're using less oil to produce energy, why are We paying as if We weren't?

Maybe the problem isn't the Power Authority. Maybe they are powerless when it comes to determining how badly they rook Us. But that would place the blame squarely on the government. Now, really, would that argument hold water?

Like a sponge... (Strangely enough, the topic of My next post...)

The Jenius Has Spoken. 

22 August 2008

The Larva's Cocoon

The Larva needs a cocoon.

Statehood (emphasis on hood) party candidate Luis “Larval Jellyfish” Fortuño, he of the “Where’s Waldo?”-like apperance and demeanor, is too—wimpy—to run away with the current local elections, despite having a pathetic non-governor under the shadow of 24 federal charges (and counting…). Why? Because he also has to tackle the Hounds of Hell unleashed by the Stupid Minions of former governor Pedro Stupid Rosselló. They hate The Larva because he represents an unacceptable change: Change from within.

The statehood (emphasis on hood) party has always been stupid, but under Stupid Rosselló it began to walk and talk and bounce in the Stupid Way, and when Stupid lost to current non-governor Aníbal “The Jellyfish” Acevedo, the so-called leadership of the party went decidedly mental.

The Larva was the wünderkind of Stupid’s first misadministration and his rise to party prominence was taken as treason. Tack on to this that The Larva’s fellow candidate is a fellow wimp, former Secretary of Justice Pedro “I Want to Grow Up and Be a Larva, Too!” Pierluisi, another Stupid selection (hahaha), and you have the makings of a bitter civil war.

What outcome do the Stupid Minions want to avoid at all costs? An electoral sweep that puts The Larva in the governor’s mansion. Why? Because Stupid failed to gain this sweep, in fact, he was specifically denied the sweep. To the Stupid Minions, a gubernatorial loss coupled with a repeat win of the latrine, er, legislature, the port-a-potties known as “City Halls” and the D.C. office of Head Beggar would be perfect, for it would allow two highly-desired results:

1) Control of “The Wannabe Larva” in Washington, for he is seen as a tractable neophyte.

2) The Return of Stupid. Part II. 

The Larva losing in November will allows Us a full chance to experience “Stupid is as Stupid does,” for the reprisals against The Larva’s supporters would be swift and merciless. Remember, this is the “party” that tried to kick out senators who were merely doing their job.

So how does The Larva protect himself and buy time against the underground onslaught of “allies” and the political perfidies of The Jellyfish? He does so by making his family a prominent part of his campaign.

Cynical? The Larva is a Fool: Cynical is pro forma. By doing this, The Larva blunts many of the underhanded attacks making the rounds within the party, for despite the gutter-level ethics of modern campaigns, attacking a candidate’s family still backfires. For another, the contrast between The Larva’s family and The Jellyfish’s is well-nigh dual; after all, some of the 24 charges involve illegal use of funds to finance Jellyfish family vacations.  

In addition, it forces The Jellyfish to take the offensive, a position he’s not comfortable with, as he greatly prefers counter-punching. But how do you attack your opponent when you’re a non-governor invertebrate with 24 tons of mutant seaweed weighing you down?

The fact is, The Larva doesn't have any other viable options, for he lacks the experience, the imagination, the personality, the gumption and the politically-powerful allies needed to make his campaign a clear winner. Will The Larva do as suggested here? I don’t know. But if he loses, he’ll always wonder what he could have done to avoid the loss.

And I just told him.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

20 August 2008

Smacking The Jellyfish

Once again, A Jenius "Thank You" to Janine Mendes-Franco for including another of My posts in Global Voices Online. This one also migrated over to the LGBT side of the ledger, and was even picked up in Mexico.

In an after-hours press conference, five more Federal charges were lodged against non-governor Aníbal "Jellyfish" Acevedo, he of the aqueous cranium and watery demeanor. The total, for those of you counting, is up to 24. And more charges are expected.

As I was asked when the news hit the fan: Cui bono?

I confess that I don't know yet. Maybe the benefit is not to a person or entity, but to a concept such as "justice" or a process such as "law enforcement." (Don't give Me that look: It's been known to happen.) Some people state that it is not the providence of the federal government to carry out this investigation, but the bottom line is that federal laws were broken (allegedly, cough-cough) using federal money on federal territory. It affronts dignity, but there it is.

I do know--or have a strong reason to believe--that We are in for a very long ride. Here are some mileposts We can expect along the way:

--Charges dropped. We can expect as many as half the charges will be dropped simply because they were included as "bargaining chips," smaller infractions that help build the case against The Jellyfish and his cohorts, but aren't really needed to nail his squishy posterior to the wall. What is the central charge, the Victory Condition for the Federal investigation? Conspiracy. All they want is to prove that The Jellyfish knew about the fraud schemes.

--A separate "take-down" case. The next round of charges will most likely include an "open-and-shut" display of evidence that leaves The Jellyfish high and dry, with one of his cohorts going down hard. It's a common prosecution tactic to both intimidate and pressure the main target to avoid the lengthy judicial battle. A quick clean victory is better--and safer for the prosecution--than a long, drawn-out series of battles.

--A Jellyfish kicked out of office, and his wake--er, Party--losing big. Even with a spineless Luis  "Larval Jellyfish" Fortuño as an opponent (pursued as he is by Stupid followers...and those of Pedro Stupid Rosselló), there is very little chance for The Jellyfish to win the election and his downfall will drag his fellow candidates down. The expectation amongst the non-governor's dwindling followers is that they can engage the Larval Jellyfish in a series of debates, where Larval Jellyfish would have the same chance a turtle has of winning a flying contest.

--A trial that extends into 2010. The Jellyfish will keep floating in the hope that somehow a major mistake will be made and he can squeeze through some tiny technicality or procedural gap and emerge unpunished. This is known in legal circles as "The O.J. Prosecution Screw-Up Theory of Defense." It isn't much, but even invertebrates can count on luck.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

18 August 2008

Plug This

Here's Our latest solution to an energy problem: A really long extension cord.

Imagine a 1,000 kilometer (600 mile) extension cord running from Colombia to Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic.

Yeah, that's Our current "energy solution."

This is like shooting dead fish in an empty pain can...

A syphilitic-twin of the "natural gas tube" idea, the extension cord has all the earmarks of Government Idiocy: big, visual and utterly useless. Think "Super Tube" to drain water from where it's needed to where it's wasted, "Urban Train" for submicro-urban use and a "Super Port" in the third-best location along a 7-mile coastline.

Sound bites. Distractions. Boondoggles. Misuse of public funds. Corruption. Waste. Idiocies on permanent display. That, in 14 words, is what We're looking at here.

For even with the most even-handed and generous analysis of Colombia's current reality, one cannot avoid the basic fact that drug cartels are a major--almost certainly the major--influence within the country. Plugging into that reality is not exactly a path to quiet nights with the A/C humming. For the equation is simple: Drug money follows power. 

Literally, in the case of Our proposed 1,000 kilometer extension cord.

The problem is not Colombia, but Colombia's (sociopolitical) power structure. For if Puerto Rico plugs into that, how long before that "pseudo-underground" drug economy starts making inroads here?

Let Me be redundant: The problem is not Colombia. The problem is what happens when We hand over access to Our power to some people who crave that access.

Do you honestly believe that a 1,000 kilometer extension cord will solve Our energy problems? And then, beyond that, that actually laying out that cord will not--in some way--open the door for drug cartel money to ooze, then flow, into and through Puerto Rico? More than it does now?

The problem is not Colombia, I have to repeat. The problem is Us, who think that Our solutions to vital problems are a matter of "big," "goofy" and "entertainment."

The Jenius Has Spoken.

16 August 2008

How Does Puerto Rico Justify Its Existence?

Imagine that Puerto Rico is suddenly transported to a Galactic version of The Black Widowers Club and was asked the traditional first question: How do you justify your existence?

(By the way, even if you're not a fan of science fiction, you'll find these Isaac Asimov stories to be a real treat, combining wit, drama and insight in equal proportions.)

When confronted with this question (go ahead: ask it to yourself and try to come up with an answer) most people (in the stories, especially) tend to shrug and say something quickly. After all, We never really think about this question, strolling through Life with the unexamined belief that Our mere existence is direct proof that We are justified to be here. In other words, the circular argument is "I exist, therefor I am proof that I am worthy of existing."

For another angle, We tend to not think about this or any related existential question because it forces Us to think, and then beyond that, to reason.  And if push comes to shove, We might ponder who or what is in the position of having Us justify Our existence, a whole 'nother can of philosphical worms. So We just don't go there.


The question is placed before Us, on some Galactic, Philosophical or Hegelian stage: How does Puerto Rico justify its existence? 

The obvious array of answers are related to culture, as in Our unique heritage and blend of European, African and Taíno infuences to develop individual and societal expressions (music, language, art, literature, mores, etc.) that identify Us as being different. In short, We are boricuas and recognizably so.

But that doesn't really answer the question, for it is merely a complicated version of "I exist, therefore I am justified." To justify Our existence would require a reason for Our existence, not just the fact that We do exist. And to find a reason for Our existence means to analyze what impact and effect We have on the world, in essence, to evaluate what and how much contribution We make to the world.

Can there be any other basis, for an individual or society, to determine a way to justify their existence beyond near-sophistry? To justify requires reasonable proof, and the most reasonable proof is what's most tangible. And in the seach for that reasonable, tangible proof, We do more than justify Our existence: We measure it.

We live with the perception that We are both too small and the Center of the Universe. That We are not globally competitive, but kick ass because We're boricuas. We flit maniacally between "We can't" and "WE ROCK!", fisting Our food stamps in the air as We jump for joy over some local beauty queen or boxer. We don't know who We are, but We act like We do, for We haven't taken the time to really look at Ourselves and Our place in the world.

"The unexamined life is not worth living." With a nonchalant apology to Socrates, We as Puerto Rican are living an unexamined life, and at the risk of posing a circular argument Myself, because We are living it means We must go on...to change it. Examining, weighing, measuring Our impact and contribution to the world is Our clearest path to progress: True, deeply-rooted, essentially boricua progress.

We think the Galactic "first question" is hypothetical, or actually, non-existent. That's where We've been wrong.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

13 August 2008

Life, Liberty and the Persecution of Gayness

Gay people should not be allowed to marry.

 That's the current stance many religious and civic groups are taking in Puerto Rico, and the notion is fast becoming a plank in the statehood party's rotten platform. What elevates this from personal opinion expressed too loudly to sociopolitical discussion is that the movement now is to amend Our Constitution so that marriage is defined as being solely between a man and a woman.


I have expressed in another forum what I'm going to say here: In a society where half the marriages end in divorce and where roughly 35% of Our children are raised by single parents, the problem is not gay marriage. That's nothing but a cheap distraction because focusing on that is to focus on folding deck chairs while the cruise ship is sinking.

 The knee-jerk reaction to gays in general is not about marriage, but abut sex. Gay sex bothers people. Well, as the comedian said, if that's the problem, then let them get married and there will be much less gay sex.

The problem with trying to make marriage a "Constitutional imperative" is that it takes a private matter--sexual orientation--and makes it a public "flaw." Let's replace the word "gays" with "blacks" and see if "Only non-blacks can legally wed" makes sense to you. (If it does, you are too stupid to live.) Or change the racially-charged "blacks" and use "redheads." Doesn't make sense either. You cannot legislate against what an individual has no control over (sexual orientation skin color, hair color, birth defects, parents, etc.) and to single out one group is to ultimately endanger all groups.

Ah, but some of you are thinking that gays have a choice about being gay, that they choose their lifestyle and thus can be "legislated out of their rights." Wrong again. First of all, most gays are born as such and even if a substantial minority choose that lifestyle, why should you care? Stick to your life and leave others to theirs. The Constitution allows for "the pursuit of happiness," not persecution of gay(s).

Second, sexual orientaton is a private matter. Unless you buy into fascist idiocies, a person's private life, insofar as it doesn't harm anyone else, is theirs to live freely. If a person thus chooses to love another--of the same sex or opposite--and that person loves back, why shouldn't they be allowed to formalize their relationship? Is love so frightening?

 Oh, you want to pull the "procreation" argument. Puh. Leez. "Go forth and multiply" is a great slogan back in the day when your best bet to beat your enemies was to outscrew them for a couple of generations. Nowadays We don't need more people to outnumber Our foes and We have adapted to the times and changing environment by having smaller families or even not having them. So having babies is not a law: It's a passé strategy. And if you look closely, notice how many of the kids We are having are growing up lacking a parent and sometimes two.

And finally, to amend a Constitution for the first time should be because of a truly vital social, economic or political need, not a hissy-fit by cross-eyed zealots. In fact, We do have a vital issue already in place, one with a deeply important social, political and yes, economical angle: Unicamerality. Already voted upon. Already mandated. Why not focus on that, you statehood platformers?

Paraphrasing another comedian: Gay people should allowed to marry...so they can be as miserable as the rest of Us.

 Or as happy.

 The Jenius Has Spoken.

[Update: 26 August 2011: Enjoy:

11 August 2008

Extreme Idea Makeover

So I'm thinking of pushing a set of ideas to an extreme and here's what came up:

Take Turbine Farms, add in hyped-up solar panels and waste-water recycling, throw in a plasma gas burner and do that all in one town so that it becomes a showcase for technological and environmental progress.

I nominate Lajas, Puerto Rico for that honor (it IS a Jenius Idea, patent pending.) As you can see, Lajas could use the boost and here's where the other elements come in:

Solar panels: Lajas gets 10-12 hours of sunshine a day for around 290-320 days a year. One plot of land, about 1 square mile, could be covered with solar panels to provide a brute-force experiment in producing electricity using only the Sun. Excess power (once the system is ramped up beyond the town's needs) can be used to power up the other two innovations.

Waste-water recycling: As soon as possible, Lajas's water and sewer system is split from the main (crumbling) infrastructure and converted to full recycling. Sound expensive? Not really. A one square mile of space is needed to properly treat the water (both run-off and waste) with natural methods, using clean water for residential and the treated waste material as organic fertilizer for the Turbine Farms. Put the whole water treatment facility under the solar panels and you can mix two functions in one plot.

Plasma gas burner: Biomedical waste in Puerto Rico is a 13 million pound headache. At present, these potentially-lethal wastes are dumped in landfills, warehouses or even by the side of the road. Some hospitals burn them in normal incinerators, but that procedure is inefficient, costly, produces toxins that fall or leak into the environment and can only deal with a small percentage of the 13 million pounds. Enter a plasma gas incinerator, capable of up to 8,000 degress Fahrenheit of purifying burn. Once the gases are recycled, the waste product is an inert glassified "gravel" that can be used for road construction or as a building material. And how much space would a plasma gas facility need? About 5-8 acres, depending on how you want trucks moving into and out of the facility.

With these projects, Lajas--or any other small town with land to spare--can not only turn around its economy, it can turn around the Island's economy as well. None of this is an "instant" solution, but the sooner We get started, the sooner We benefit.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

08 August 2008

Quoting: 10 Ways Puerto Ricans are Complicit in Our Destruction

Folks, it isn't often that I get the feeling of "I'm second-best," but here's one of those times. MC Don Dees, of Dondequiera, has fired bulls-eye shots at Our crumbling psyche. Time for Me to shut up and learn something:

Complicity - 10 Ways Puerto Ricans are Complicit in Our Destruction

For those of you not stuck in a matrix of denial, comfort, excess, bribery, hypocrisy, or oblivion, I present to you a list of the top ten ways Puerto Ricans are negatively impacting the country with their complicity:

1) Our favorite places to shop (Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Sam's Club, Costco, etc.) are exactly the businesses bankrupting the local Puerto Rican merchant.

2) We reward politicians who flaunt their privilege in our faces by repeatedly voting them into office.

3) We wail and gnash our teeth at our weak economy, but our zero sum mentality places against each other instead of us all working together to compete in a global market.

4) We decry the corruption within all corridors of power within our government, and then commit (or permit) embezzlement in our local community "juntas", yet see these as different. There are different in magnitude only.

5) We return to a restaurant or service center because it is the only option, or because it is the most convenient, or it is the one all of your friends use, but the establishment consistently treats you like crap or forces you to wait too long.

6) We allow our friends to pressure us into buying a Beemer or Mercedes, the latest Gucci handbags, or gadget and then rail against how material our children are and how they do nothing but plead for us to buy them more crap they don't need.

7) We ignore our children most of the time, we give them nearly free reign to disrupt, destroy, or inconvenience, yet wonder why they have disciplinary problems in schools or poor grades.

8) We bash the Americanos, the Gringos, the Federalistas and then worship the movies they make, the clothes they sell, the sports teams they televise, the websites they make, the culture they create, the brands they promote, the celebrities they export, and we send our children to study at their universities.

9) We attend a movie which is consistently disrupted by people talking or answering their cellulars, go away dis-satisfied, disgruntled, and complaining, then explain it away as well that's just "the way we are" (así es como somos).

10) We accuse our spouses or novios of infidelity, we cry over the devastation within families suffering through divorces caused by infidelity, we decry the AIDS infection rate, yet promote, support with our dollars, and look the other way to an industry whose sole purpose is to permit secret sex (motels).

Short and to the point, though far from sweet. How I wish he--and I--no longer had these subjects to share.

The Jenius Has Quoted.

06 August 2008

Political Funny Car Drag

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the 2008 Political Funny Car Drag!


The two favorites, Wimpy Red (Pro Commonwealth Drag...Gang) and Sappy Blue (Pro Statehood Drag...Mob) are pulling up to the Starter's Table. Both are magnificent specimens of pure sponsorship, plastered over and over...and over and over...and over and over...and over and over and over and over with stickers of supporters both private and commercial! Look at those stickers roll!! 

Funny thing about those Funny Cars: They are so smothered with stickers that--and most people don't know this, so listen up!--they are so smothered with stickers that they don't have a chassis anymore!! That's right, you speed freaks! Those cars are nothing but stickers! 

And you wanna know more? Of course you do, you speed fiends! All that money you put into Wimpy Red and Sappy Blue for "high-powered fuel"? Well they don't use that stuff at all! They run those sticker-babies with the cheapest crap they can find! The rest of the money goes to the "Support Teams" who invest it in high-powered....living. How about that, you speed demons?!

Chugging up to the Starter's Table now is none other than the gray Chevy Nova of the Green Ghost Unit. No stickers here, speed psychos! No paint, either, at least, not anymore. No new tires. No new anything... Even the "R.B." fuzzy dice dangling from the rear-view mirror look wasted. Hell, the seat in that baby has been used so often by the same driver it only fits the withered flanks of "Rapid" Rubén Berríos. 

Look at him meander up to the Starter's Table! Not a hint of competitiveness or urgency! How laid-back can you get, speed bums? Too bad his "No va" had its engine replaced by that of a whiny scooter, and his gear box has only two gears: Neutral and Reverse. But he's still here chowing down at the robust--nay! humongous!--free buffet he hasn't missed since 1970!! After he gets done with it, he's gonna need a dump truck to haul away his buffet shares and his ghostly No va...

I hear a bell! Yes! He made it! Coasting in on its racing bike is none other than Wasted Time, the newest entry in the Funny Car Drag.


Sure! It might be just a bike, but it's got a sail! Right there! A huge sail...that has a hole in the middle where the driver's face should be. What can that mean, speed geeks?! Can anyone fill that hole? Oh, something's up, speed dorks! There's "Revolution" Rogelio Figueroa trying to patch the sail's 30-foot hole...with a hanky.

A dirty hanky...

Awright! Let's give him a hand, speed feebs! What an effort! What a guy! And yes, I can hear you, speed creeps: What a loser!

Well, that's all for now, folks. Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for being part of the 2008 Funny Car Drag. 


Like you had a choice... Oh, that's right: You do.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

04 August 2008

(Un)Pop(ular) Quiz

Yeah, just in time for the start of another pitiful excuse for a school year, a pop quiz to get Us all on the same page.

1) Who's the bigger Fool?

A) The Jellyfish      B) The Larval Jellyfish     C) Any other político    D) The local voter

2) The sales tax is:

A) Useless         B) Stupid         C) A complete failure        D) The first step to a barter economy

3) Our local media has the brains and morals of:

A) An alley cat     B) A crack whore     C) Roadkill     D) Disease-addled mynah birds

4) Speaking of schools, what grades do Our schools deserve?

F)     F)     F)     F)

5) Local religious leaders have energetically avoided tackling what serious local problem?

A) Increased number of divorces     B) Rising murder rate     C) Corruption     D) All of 'em

6) Who has made a serious effort to tackle Puerto Rico's economic slump?

A) Winnie the Pooh     B) Tinkerbell     C) Bullwinkle     D) Pepe LePew

7) If We don't take matters into Our own hands, where will We end up:

A) Hell     B) Ninth Circle of Hell     C) The Deepest Pits of Hell     D) Fucking Hell!

8) An optimist in Puerto Rico is:

A) Insane     B) Doomed     C) A Jenius     D) Whistling "Dixie" in a Yankee jail

9) The solution to Our energy problems is:

A) Solar     B) Wind-powered     C) Nuclear     D) Nuclear bomb

The Jenius Has Spoken

01 August 2008

Turbine Farms

Apropos of My last post related to vertical farming, let's combine some ideas floating around and point the way to a solution for some local woes.

In a nutshell, combine vertical farming structures with vertical windmills--essentially turbines--to provide additional benefits in the form of electrical energy. Given Puerto Rico's climate and wind patterns, a Turbine Farm would have a substantially-positive impact on Our economy.

For example, the Municipality of Lajas, due east of My hometown of Cabo Rojo, is virtually bereft of industry. It is the center of a pro-farming movement that lacks money, leadership and a compelling hook, so the movement is eerily similar to inertia. But that farming "movement" sits on over 2,400 acres of excellent grassland, land that has the unique quality (for Puerto Rico) of being isolated from any residential areas. 

Though it wouldn't exactly capture the spirit of urban farming, building Turbine Farms in Lajas has four major advantages:

1) It immediately and directly addresses three ongoing problem areas: weak agriculture, overburdened power grid and Lajas unemployment, estimated at 31-36%.

2) It puts government lands to public use, overcoming the current malaise of stillborn projects ranging from a sports complex to organic aquaculture.

3) It decentralizes the San Juan-centric myopia of Fools of all stripes, warts and canker sores.

4) It allows for cutting-edge development that showcases Our inventiveness and capacity to the world, especially since the Lajas area contains and borders world-renowned ecological sites.

And for those who know the area well and point out that water might be a problem, please note that windmills can also drive water pumps for deep (150-250 feet) wells. The water and technology are there to make this a reality.

Another angle: Given Lajas' small population and relatively low demands for electricity, the Turbine Farms could be used to create an "energy independent" town, as has been done in the wee hamlet of Rock Port, Missouri.  Granted, Lajas is about 11 times larger, but the energy needs could be offset by several "stcaked" turbines taking advantage of an average wind speed of 12 miles per hour year-round. 

Time? Cost? Champions? Political will? Economic muscle? Hell, if I could answer those questions off the top of My head, We wouldn't be in this mess, now would We?

The Jenius Has Spoken.