25 February 2009

Larva(l) Metamorphosis

They say you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. The point is that you can't force something on someone, so in that spirit, I am herein suggesting a way for The Larva, a.k.a (non)governor Luis Fortuño, to transform himself from, well, what he is, to the "leader" he could be.

Yes, I know I said that wasn't likely, but with My help--with the plan I propose here--even he can make a change deemed impossible.

Seeing as how The Larva has already elevated waffling, inaction and passivity to a near-art form, My plan to transform him into a leader is very much along the lines he has set for himself. (And as My Special One pointed out recently, The Larva has aged noticeably in the past two months. Just goes to show that some people are cut out for leadership and others should just cut it out.) (But I digress...)

My plan is actually four words long: Get. Into. A. Cocoon.

Pun thoroughly intended, ever since I decided to write this piece last week.

Yes, Larva, get into a cocoon. Literally. Take this "No see me" attitude you've tried to sell as "Me busy," but keeps coming off as "Me don't know what to do" and shut yourself away. Don't try to solve anything, don't try to change anything, don't challenge any of Us to do anything and let the government you don't run anyway keep rattling along. 

Only two things can happen, and I really mean that: only two.

1) Things go to pot so badly, so quickly and with such utter force that the crisis it engenders makes your position strong enough to let you lead. Note that I stress your position, as non-(non)governor at that point, because that will change while you cannot, in the way that The Mask transforms Stanley from dud to stud. From this position of "You gotta help Us" strength, your only task is to suggest decent-enough ideas that can be implemented quickly. Even you can do that and that will make you the hero of the crisis. The big risk is that the crisis doesn't come until too close to the 2012 election, denying you the chance to show your stuff. But that would be similar to what's going on now, where time keeps chugging along, you keep shuffling like a spavined nag and the 2012 election comes up without you ever showing your stuff, if there is any.

2) Things somehow stay the same, not getting worse, maybe even improving a little, and you emerge from the cocoon sometime in late 2011 and claim the good results as part of your own strategy. (A) That's what politicians do and you've already shown enough within your limited political savvy to know how to do that. (Head Beggar, anyone?) (B) It's the kind of claim that can't be proven false, so you have a strong platform going in. (C) It doesn't require anything from you, not even a feeble effort at coming up with "solutions." And (D), it allows the Gluttonns and the Tantrums in your party sufficient rope to hang themselves as they flail to take you down. The big risk here is that things only get slightly worse, enough so that people blame you for "not leading." But given how bad the economy is worldwide, how the worst is yet to come, how utterly clueless your opposition (the commonwealthers) are and how id-driven your opposition (legislative presidents and party leaders) are about true leadership, do you really think things are only going to get "slightly worse"? As for the label of "not leading." you're not leading now, so what's the problem with that?

Of course, miracles can happen and things could suddenly become much better, like a golden dawn after a horribly stormy night. If that does happen while you're in your cocoon, rejoice! You will sweep back into the current (non)governor's mansion to inflict a second term upon Us and take your place as the rightful obstacle to Gluttonny and Tantrum. 

But then, could the miraculous dawn happen while you're not in your cocoon, Oh Larvous One? 


The Jenius Has Spoken.

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