27 September 2012

Fallout From Il Castrato

Search for "Il Castrato" on this blog. Go ahead. That walking bag of anal pus has received several Jenius spotlights over the years simply because he is a thief, a liar and the moral equivalent of a cockroach in a bean salad.

Yes, I just put "anal pus" and "bean salad" in the same sentence. Blame Il Castrato.

What causes this repeated blaze of attention on a specimen ulcer snot would look down upon is that Il Castrato (formerly known as Jorge De Castro) has a storied past. "Storied" as in "sociopathic." Originally a minor member of the Popular Democratic Party (neither one nor the other nor the other), his aberrant behavior and outright stupidity got him tossed from the party rank-and-file.

Sociopath that it is, Il Castrato quickly made a leap to the New Progressive Party (neither one nor the other nor the other), where he quickly became a major figure.

Brief aside: Do some research, Brethren, to discover how many "lame-asses" were ostracized by the PDP and went on to become major players in the NPP. Here's  one name: Roberto Rexach. Go ahead: check that out. The note that no minor or major numbskull from the NPP has switched parties to the PDP and become a figure of any relevance or importance in that party. Seems like the statehooders embrace any walking breathing cur, even traitors. Then again, you have to admire their open-minded, equal-thieving opportunity gang mentality, don't you? (And another point: the fact that they switch parties indicates clearly how little value "Our status" has as a political bellwether.)

Back to Il Castrato, who after joining the NPP, started making waves, only his were essentially ripples in a cesspool. Politically, Il Castrato was to the left of sanity and far removed from common sense. As a party member, he was more a crazed rat than a focused weasel. In his personal life, he had the delicate touch of a hippo on LSD. And as a thief, he was as dumb as shit and several times more smelly.

Il Castrato got caught. Slammed. Nailed. Hammered like a leprous worm. His "defense" was to threaten to "name names," which he did. Often. Still keeps doing it. But what Il Castrato doesn't understand, and never will because his IQ and EQ multiplied don't make it to 2 digits, is that he's so fucked, it doesn't matter who he names...because his "testimony" means jacksquat as evidence.


That doesn't mean he can't point in the right direction.

Let Me drop another name Cuban-Americans supported, a proven douchebag with a shitty reputation who "named names" and over time, was proven to be accurate: José Canseco.

When Canseco, the poster boy for over-inflated egos masking a moral failure, made his accusations--after he was nailed for committing the same crimes he was accusing others of--the world yawned. Canseco's word was crap...but his observations weren't. He knew because he was an insider. And he railed at the world for not believing him.

Il Castrato's word is runny diarrhea...but his observations are not. He knows because he was insider. He didn't commit his crimes alone: he's too stupid and too greedy to have succeeded for long. No, he had help. He had associates, partners in crime, fellow vermin using their political connections to grease skids with fraud. And from the pathetic, crabbed, dark sumphole of his despair, Il Castrato rails at Us for not believing him.

Those that know...they hear him. They know. And if Il Castrato had the brains of a pebble, he would've written a book. Naming names. And then he could sit back, declare himself guilty, as he did yesterday, and accept his fate, knowing that Time--as it does so often--will tell.

No, Il Castrato's too stupid to have done that. Yet, Time does tell, and when it does, We'll find out that Il Castrato's words were worthless...but accurate.

Let the fallout begin.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

26 September 2012

Countdown For A Cowardly Cartel

There's rumblings that We are about to get new daily newspapers. Two, to take the more specific part of the rumors. At a time when most markets are losing newspapers to web-based news sites, Puerto Rico is gaining--apparently--two dailies.

Why? Why now?

It's not like We are avid readers or consumers of news. I hate to say it: My Brethren look upon reading as akin to inserting suppositories, but less useful. And as far as news, Our general mind-set is geared to PUERTO RICO: GOSSIP/SCANDAL/TRAGEDY with a second set consisting of U.S. of part of A./NY/FL/Scandal and a dot that says "The rest of what other people call 'the world'".

So if it's not serving a reader/news consumer market, what could cause 2 new newspapers to jump into Our market in 2013?

Ad revenue.

Banners of the Farewell Tour

For some reason, the ad market locally is more like a dinosaur than an iPhone 5. Even now, the majority of overall ad dollars spent here goes to newspapers, an estimated 63%. That leaves a paltry 37% spread across TV, radio, Internet and several alternative media.

So newspapers still rule here. And who rules the newspapers and thus the ad revenue stream? The Ferré-Rangel cartel, owners of El Nuevo Día, Primera Hora and more than half the major local weeklies. They control about 65% of the newspaper ad revenue, which means they control about 41% of the total stream, a princely sum, when you consider it represents about $98 million.

Still, why? Why now?

First of all, Puerto Rico is a captive ad market. It's an island. But not just any island: it is an island filled with people who buybuybuy like drones. That means that companies will advertise like mad to lure the drones. It's what We've seen for decades.

Second, the Ferré-Rangel cartel is vulnerable. Their attempts to polish the face of the pig they call "the family corporation" have not helped improve its looks. So the big mega-millions sale they lusted for has not been completed, and as their position and the economy worsened, the prospects of umpteen dollars to bankroll personal ambitions have faded.

Third, thanks to a corrupt passel of smegma-licking thieves, a local failed daily is now a putrid propaganda puppy trainer given away for free. It broke the "free" price barrier and further eroded the ad revenue base for the Ferré-Rangel cartel.

Fourth, the ad market here is ripe for a competitor because the environment has become stagnant. The deaths of El Vocero (now a zombie) and The San Juan Star (a puny half-zombie called The Daily Sun or some such crap) have given one competitor a solid base...with huge cracks. And into those cracks comes a rival.

Yes, one. According to the rumors, the international chain of Metro papers is the King Kong moving in next year. {Disclosure: I worked on a project to bring that chain to Puerto Rico in 2008-2009. The big stumbling block: no large local advertiser would commit to placing ads in the new paper for fear of retaliation by the Ferré-Rangel cartel.} And again, according to the rumors, the cartel will launch its own free daily as a pre-emptive strike.

Which means that the cartel will actually cannibalize itself in a desperate attempt to survive.


Here's the thing: If a company dominates the newspaper industry the way the Ferré-Rangel cartel does, it would behoove said cartel to improve the quality of news coverage and community interaction so that future competitors would have a bigger entry barrier to their market. In essence, be a true newspaper and develop yourself into an integral part of the business, industrial and social fabric. Which means you become an integral part of all of Us.

Is it hard work? Yes. Does it take time? Of course. But the end result is a newspaper or a newspaper chain--in a closed market--that can only be beaten by the Internet, which is still in its infancy here and thus capable of being dominated even by something as horrendous as elnuevodia.com and primerahora.com.

Remember, this is a market where total ad revenue exceeds $210 million and one company is dragging down close to $100 million. Let Me put it this way: that represents roughly $26.50 per person. How many companies get at least $26.50 a year per person in their market?

But of course, the cartel won't do that: they haven't in the almost two decades they've cornered the market. They took the easy route, the exploitation route, and when the going got tough--as it will--they went into "survival" mode, short-term thinking. If they'd had a gram of vision or a smidgen of guts, they could have created a new paradigm for newspapers in Puerto Rico, a potential model for others to emulate.

Instead, they're going to launch a free daily to compete with their two newstand-sold dailies in order to fight off a free daily...with much deeper pockets, talent and vision.

And because the Ferré-Rangel cartel is not really a part of Us, never wanted to be except to exploit, threaten, browbeat, deceive, insult and manipulate Us, We really don't care what happens to them. They've taught Us to not care about the news, to not give a damn whether We read the Truth or not, to not have any concern for them as Our allies because they never were.

Now they need Us to fight off a rival that could become--blind hope--the ally We deserved these past three decades. Regardless of whether that ally emerges or not, the Ferré-Rangel cartel is headed for a crushing defeat. They will want--hell, they will desperately need--allies...and I for one am sure they won't get enough to survive.

I've said for years that the cartel is an obstacle to Puerto Rico's progress. Come 2014, their days as an obstacle may become a visible countdown. And they will have nobody--absolutely nobody--to blame but themselves.

Good riddance.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

[Update: 2 Oct 2012: The battle of the free dailies has its first salvo. The Ferré-Rangel cartel launches Indice and Metro launches a sneak peek of its offering. Oh, We won't be better informed...We'll just be entertained. I can't wait for the Ferré-Rangel cartel to file for bankruptcy.]

25 September 2012

Free Speech FTW

This won't take long...for a change.

There's a law now in Puerto Rico where protests that "interrupt or disrespect the Legislature and/or its legislative functions" carry an automatic 3-year prison sentence.

You read that correctly.  Just "dissing" these chancre-coated tapeworms is enough--according to them--to shut your ass in jail.  For 36 months.


They are wrong. Short of bodily harm or structural damage, ANY protest by citizens concerning the functions of ANY branch of government is protected by the 1st Amendment, as free speech and the right peaceful assembly. The whole raison d'etre of a protest is to draw attention to a perceived problem, so what other function does a government branch, agency, department or office that is more important than paying attention to its citizens--who OWN the government in the first place?

There is none. Case closed.

Here's the idea: take the so-called "massive protest" slated for someday in October, gather thousands of people (good luck with that) and then silently march the entire crowd into the Capitol building. All of them. Have them pack the place like a hot nightclub doing a Viagra 2-for-1 Happy Hour on a Saturday night. And coach each person to respond to any "official" inquiry/order/threat/mouth fart with a gentle "I am engaging in free speech. Thank you."

"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so." -- Thomas Jefferson

This law is unjust; it is wrong and evil.

Let's show the pus-brained slimebags We elected what right is and who truly holds the power.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

23 September 2012

Transparency FTW

[My Thanks to Janine Mendes-Franco for selecting My recent "We're #1! We're #1! (In Corruption)" post for Global Voices Online. It's been a while since I was honored that way, but that's not Janine's fault; I wasn't producing that much worth looking at. Happy to see it happen again.]

Things on My Island--for it is still My Island--are atrocious, in many ways. We have politicians stealing millions of dollars and names have been named repeatedly, most of the prominently placed in the statehood party, currently running the show like their own carny. We have government services gouging citizens to enrich """public"""" servants and private pockets, which leads back to politicians stealing Our money. Again.

We have a declining economy, further saddled by a government debt fueled by politicians stealing Our money. Parts of Our public property are being sold to line the pockets of private companies and politicians stealing Our money. And the watchdogs We are supposed to have are lapdogs licking the balls of those who feed them the merest scraps of the loot they've stolen over the years.

My go-to solution would be to shoot the vilest offenders, in the face. That--amazingly--is frowned upon. When so-called drug lords do it to each other, over mere money, it's okay, but start talking about shooting thugs and thieves that steal Our money, Our rights and Our future and--Whoa, Nelly!--now We got some 'splainin' to do.

Fuck that. The reasons are obvious: if We don't exterminate the vermin, they will ruin Us. They are close to doing so on a scale that would turn this Island into the second book of the Bible...and no need to re-CGI the parting of a sea. So wiping them out is rational, a measure of sanity and sanitary behavior. That is frowned upon. No wonder We're getting screwed.

But what is really going on? Is the level of corruption so dense and broad and deep that no solution can be implemented? No, it isn't that bad...yet. How do We know? The majority of Our population is still outside of the thievery. If a majority of Us were involved, like the drug lords, the bullets would have been flying. 

Thus: a solution is possible. And the word to trigger it is transparency.

Obviously We can't count on Our media to do this. The newspapers We have are inked toilet paper with their own feces pre-imprinted between pestiferous ads. Radio """pundits""" are very much based on the "ideological idiot" model wherein your personal stupidity in regards to political preferences has to be waved like a party flag in drunken paws. Not to mention that radio journalists suffer the same sans cojones and shit-for-brains mush that affects nearly all Our so-called newspaper and TV journalists, where courage and conviction are tossed aside in favor of gossipy questions, empty-handed rants and huge proclamations of integrity that add up to old triple-penetration whores claiming virginity in any one of their cash-crop holes.

No, We can't count on Our media. The transparency push We need will come from the Internet. Our version of the Internet. To make it work will take a concerted effort, a multi-layered, 24/7, laser-focused charge against "politics as usual, business as usual" and the self-fucking chronic "We're helpless" stupidity of "Ay bendito, what can We do?"

We have the Centro de Periodismo Investigativo, investigative journalism under a non-profit model. We have News Is My Business. There's NotiCel and CaribNews Puerto Rico. There's Think Puerto Rico. There's José Maldonado and Luis Villanueva. We have bloggers like Michael Castro, the pseudonymous Elco Lao and Kofla Olivieri. We have many many more resources that indicate a band of dedicated newshounds who are more interested in facts than fluff, in the grubby details of Truth than the airy bubbles of gossip and who strive to cut through the bullshit because We've had enough of it all.

These are some of the people I follow closely, on Twitter and blogs. I don't agree with them all the time; I don't have to. But what they say is often pointed squarely at Truth and that's a hell of a lot more than what I get from Our so-called "prensa".

Some of them won't want to become part of a "Journalism Strike Force," but I believe enough will want to, those will attract more and We'll have the deep, broad and focused spotlights We need to truly stamp out most of the corruption that rots Our society.

But separately, We can't do as much as We can united. The paucity of local government statistics can be remedied by folks like Leo Gómez and fellow economists, and with those stats, We can challenge the fetid utterances that pass uncontested in press conferences. But stats without analysis and context are useless, so the news sources have to come together to use them. And there have to be outlets for these analyses, ones that don't already have their asses owned by politicians and corporate thieves.

What's needed is a unit formed by as many competent players as possible that not only gathers the news, but studies it and reveals its truths. One that challenges the status quo every day, systematically, loudly and with the conviction that doing so is not obstruction, it is duty. Because I have to keep saying this: the government works for Us. And their dealings in Our name are subject to every--I mean every--level of scrutiny We have the will to apply. If they don't like it--good. They work for Us. We can fire them at will, in lieu of just firing at them.

It will take some time to get this unit to converge and start rolling. But once it does, it will pin elected officials like bugs to cardboard and make them offer proof of what they do and how. Cockroaches flee when light shines upon them, and try as they might, no politician, no political party, no government, has ever effectively shut down the power of a crusade for Truth without using guns. And if they go that route, well We can too. Count Me in either way.

The power of the Fourth Estate is the power of the citizenry to remind the government that it is a servant, not a master, and that it remains only by sufferance. The call to transparency will be fought--bitterly, savagely, criminally, even--but when many lights shine, darkness is ultimately banished.

We can do this. We have to do this. Or the visible future of Our media talent will be scattered jottings about Our collapse and a few maudlin essays of "What once was and could have been."

And that's an Island I won't give a damn about.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

21 September 2012

Concrete Plans

In a concrete example of irony, Puerto Rico is getting a new mall, a luxury mall, no less. A $405 million private investment that will be anchored by Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom's, nestled against the recently-privatized International Airport.

According to Our (non)governor--The Larva--"Puerto Rico doesn't have too many shopping centers." This twinkie also believes that "Puerto Rico has the lowest murder rate since the Garden of Eden," that "Puerto Rico's population is growing every day" and that "My wife's income is due to luck."

A rough count indicates that We have about 135 shopping centers, a ratio of roughly 1 per 27 square miles. That means than in an average 5.5 mile square, there's a shopping center. If the continental U.S. of part of A. had the same ratio, it would have 140,522 shopping centers. How many does the U.S. of part of A. actually have? 107,703 (Table 1061, 2010 data.)

So, The Larva is wrong. He is even more wrong when you take into account that We are dotted by 58 Walgreen's with more on the way and a growing number of CVS Pharmacies, over 520 fast-food and casual dining chain restaurants and several dozen stand-alone stores (furniture, rentals, auto parts, etc.) from U.S.-based companies.

For the record: Our murder rate per 100,000 residents is higher than Mexico's (where Mexico has been in the frank midst of an uncontrolled drug war since 2006), Our population has dropped from 3.96 million to 3.7 million and The Larva's wife makes money from political patronage and influence-peddling, not luck. (Uh, cough-cough, allegedly. Cough-cough. Wink.)

Okay, moving on.

The brilliance of this luxury mall plan, aside from the fact that it will definitely line the pockets of several Larva cronies, is that it takes reality and shoves a slimy hand of optimistic greed into its face. Too many shopping centers? Nonsense! Shrinking economy? Balderdash! Reduced tax base? Poppycock! Dwindling population? Superb! For you see, in this through-the-looking-glass, Mad Hatter-like view, propelled by greed and thuggish elán, the sky's the limit!

Let's cut to the chase. The vision these squinty-eyed tapeworms have is of a Puerto Rico slathered in concrete, a chalky mirror that powers a cash machine so hot it could burn a whole in the ozone layer. For that, you have to think big...really big. This luxury mall in the swampy grounds next to the airport is just small batatas. The big ideas are still to come. And you'll hear them here first.

El Morro: What the hell does Puerto Rico need a fort for? It's not like We're going to be invaded by anything except monkeys, lizards, Cuban frogs and lesser species (Republicans). So Let's turn that hunk of stone into a food court, a massive--dare I say?--historical food court filled with the finest European cuisine (Olive Garden, Scotch 'n' Sirloin, Romano's) and for statehooders, a McDonald's.

El Yunque: The only rain forest in the U.S. of part of A. is just so much wet vegetation, so the plan here is to level the hilltops--make it a true anvil--and build a mega-casino/galleria catering to the mondo crowd (as opposed to the mondongo crowd.) Toss in several multi-million dollar homes surrounded by concrete boxes filled with exotic plants (from Europe, of course) and you have both security and a metaphor for "being steps above the huddled masses."

Guánica Semi-Desert Tropical Forest: Good gravy, what kind of oxymoron is that? Ranks down there with "political leader" and "Fortuño's cojones." The Guánica forest is the only one left in the world, which of course means its time is past and extinction should be sped up. The plan: two golf courses with a spine of townhouses of which the southern ones have an infinity pool. Build a concrete wall topped by statues (European, of course) to keep iguanas and other riff-raff out.

GasoDildo: Under this new vision, a 93-mile gas tube is a micropenis, a useless bit in the creation of a new Puerto Rico. Extend that sucker by having it go from Ponce (parking) to Mayagüez, then cut across the entire Central Mountain Region, maker a left in Fajardo, slash through the northeastern mangroves, pass by the new San Juan Mall, cut across the bay to pass underneath La Perla and El Morro (hey, a food court needs cooking gas, right?) and keep going until it hits the electrical facility in Cataño. See? You just have to massage the original a little bit to see it grow into a monster shaft that could really fu--el Our future. Hell, it might reach 250 miles when all is said and done, wrapped, supported and protected by concrete from Mile One (the parking lot known as Ponce) and Mile 250.

The best part? There's fewer people living here to protest meaning there's more land to grab!

Now that also means that there's fewer consumers for the food court, to buy the mega-houses and townhouses with infinity pools, play the golf courses and the casinos, but by raising the airline rates, We can keep more people from flying off the Island and by creating a new Public-Private Alliance (a.k.a. major theft of public monies) to "manage" tourism, We can bring in outsiders by the pound. And you don't really think the skanky planners care if the stores, houses, casino and golf courses make money, do you? Condescending chuckle. The money's in the building, bay-bee! The hell with the rest!

This new vision of Puerto Rico takes your breath away, right? And to think it's only a few years from becoming a reality, making multi-millionaires out of scum toejam would look down upon with open disdain.

To quote a clown: What a country.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

20 September 2012

And Justice For None

Somewhere there's a T-shirt that reads: "If you want peace, work for justice."

The Puerto Rican version would be: "If you want a piece of the loot, work for Justice."

The justice system We have is composed of three main parts: law enforcement, the court system and the penal system. Let's examine each one, briefly:

Law enforcement: Subject to FBI raids and U.S. of part of A. Justice Department investigations. Plural on both accounts.

Court system: Plagued by political cronyism, sloppy legal "work" and inexperienced (and uncaring) prosecutors, leading to a 21% drop in crime charges filed, at a time when major crimes have increased close to 31%.

Penal system: Overcrowded, under control of local gangs, used as political muscle (the statehood party knows all about this) and riddled with drugs and their related violence.

Now before I go on, let Me say something to those who dismiss all this with a casual "It's those drug folks killing each other over there, that's all." My response: Shut your fucking piehole. One, because you are definitely taking the easy, lazy, scummy way out of not thinking about what's going on. Two, because you're too stupid and too lazy to realize that on an island, everybody is connected to everybody else...per force. Your refusal to acknowledge that is as idiotic as saying "The gangrene in my foot is just an infection over there." You and your attitude make Me want to puke. In your face. Twice.

It isn't an "over there," caserío y barriada de mala muerte problem. It isn't about puntos or bichotes: it's about all of Us. Here's a brief breakdown:

Why did the FBI have to engage in a huge police raid here? Because the level of corruption in the police force and the local Justice Department meant that We couldn't do it Ourselves.

Where did this level of corruption come from? The drug trade and political cronysim. Proof? Prosecutors, judges and high-ranking police officers have long been selected by political affiliation more than by merit. Toss in millions of dollars in drug money with self-serving rapacious vermin who owe no allegiance to anything even remotely resemblimng a value or an ideal and you have...corruption. Deep and broad.

Where do these cancerous worlds of drugs, influence and violence come together? In the "Justice" system, where cops on low pay take payments for protection, prosecutors kiss ass ro engage in political favoritism, judges make rulings based on dollars and cents rather than legal precedents and prisons become centers of influence to put more lipstick on the leprous pig it all is.

So you have drug dealers cozying up to elected officials who use the police to monitor their illegal business while prosecutors are slotted into jobs as favors and ordered to waste their time in frenzied political persecution and judges look the other way when facts tell them to stare at the Truth, their angle of look-away directly related to monetary gain they enjoy in doing so.

Justice is not blind here, not even close. It has eyes and hands everywhere, perverted from a system of checks to a cash-based free-for-all. You might think it's all happening "over there," but think about how far "over there" is when you hear about a shooting in a shopping center you visit, or in front of a restaurant you like, or when a cop pulls you aside for no reason you can discern. Because at that point, "over there" is "right here," and do you trust the Justice system We've allowed to rot to treat you fairly?

If you do, you're headed for a huge, maybe even fatal, disappointment.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

19 September 2012

We're #1! We're #1! (In Corruption)

Riding the crest of public corruption, Puerto Rico cements its place as #1 with an astonishing 130 corruption convictions--convictions, people--in 2011. That works out to almost 11 a month, or almost 3 a week, making Us the absolute bomb when it comes to being jackass thieves in public """service""".

This little nauseating factoid is contained in the U.S. of part of A. Justice Department's Division of Public Integrity report for 2011. (HTML here; PDF here). Now Let's look more closely at this, shall We?

It wasn't easy to get to 130 in one year. No señor. We had to push the envelope and redefine scumbucket by lifting Our annual count from 17 in 2010 to that magnificent 130 last year. How impressive was Our criminal victory? As defined by the USDoJ, the second-place district--Maryland--had 58 convictions and 3rd place--Eastern Virginia--had 57. Pikers! Even adding up their scurrilous crimes We got them beat 130-115! ¡Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tú Lo Sepas!

Another point of putrefied pride for Us: since 2002, only two times has a district reached the triple-digit level in convictions for one year. And yes, you guessed it! We won that too! In 2002, We got Our asses nailed 101 times, a veritable "leap to another level" that took Us years to surpass. But it did set the bar out of reach for anyone but Us.

Oh, and statehooders? Don't go crowing that that happened during Sila "Quitter" Calderón's (partial)administration and that it means populares were getting nailed. Do a little research (have your dog teach you how) and you'll find that was the year of the Stupid Rosselló "Cavalcade of Criminals." Funny how you forgot that, isn't it? Even your dog is laughing at you.

Now, Let's stop looking at the past and look to the future. We can't rest on Our latrines, so We have to find a new goal. If We take the conviction rate by state-level instead of districts, We learn that since 2002, California has been killing Us 665-396, Texas is clobbering Us 635-396, Florida's walloping Us 618-396, New York's winning 553-396, Pennsylvania outscores Us 518-396, Illinois is handing Us Our hats 490-396, Ohio's outpacing Us 475-396, New Jersey (New Jersey!) is ahead 429-396 and Louisiana just clipped Us at the finish 403-396. Damn.

We can't allow that to continue. You mean to tell Me We're getting outscored by the alien likes of California, the wrinkly geezers in Florida, lowbrow guidos from New Jersey and mossy swamp critters from Louisiana? No señor.

So do We focus on sheer numbers? Well, We do have two 100+ years under Our corrupt belts, so We can certainly crank out several more and leave them all in the dust. But that would be asking so much more of Our disgusting vermin, part of a dwindling population of roughly 3.7 million, to take on the likes of the 7 most-populous states and 2 outliars--I mean, outliers.

Based on population, here are the convictions-per-residents of the Top 10 Corruption Bungholes:

California: 1-in-56,030
Texas: 1-in-39,528
Florida: 1-in-30,421
New York: 1-in-35,081
Pennsylvania: 1-in-24,517
Illinois: 1-in-26,122
Ohio: 1-in-24,421
New Jersey: 1-in-20,513
Louisiana: 1-in-11,166
PUERTO RICO: 1-in-9,343

Oh yeah! Number One, Baby! ¡Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tú Lo Sepas! Here's the thing: with a proven performance level of 130 a year, or even staying at Our Top 2 Years' Average of 115.5, We can surpass California's mush-headed amateurs just by staying at Our current level of public thievery, fraud, graft and malfeasance! Hell, We can even drop 30% off Our current pace and still kick California's New Age smoking, plastic surgery-infested, techno-babble roulette-poking ass from here to Canada.

Why? Because We got the putrid talent and have yet to tap into the 1-in-5,000 range, where Our numbers would jump to levels that not even the U.S. of part of A. Congress could ever hope to match (unless every member were Republican, but in that case, they'd steal from each other.)

And speaking of Our numbers and where they come from, here's a list of highly-questionable contracts, breaching ethics, nepotism, legality and common sense, that are part of this (non)administration within the legislative assembly. Let Me point out that at the bottom of the list (literally) is one Christian "Chemito El Pendejito" Soto, son of a mayor and brother of a senator, who was """earning"""" $3,000 (more than twice Our average income per capita) as an """advisor""" to a security commission. "Was," because he was arrested for selling drugs and will apparently plead guilty.

In another related story, a senate employee working with senate president Thomas "Mad Dog" Rivera was arrested for--uh-huh--selling drugs. Funny how this time, the "Mad Dog" ain't barking...

So you see, My Brethren, We are definitely on the right path to not only hold on to the Annual #1 Bunghole of Public Corruption Award, We are setting the stage to take over the Bunghole of the Decade Leaden Shaft from those addle-headed twinkies in California.

Oh yeah. ¡Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tú Lo Sepas!

The Jenius Has Spoken.

18 September 2012

Vote Or Shut Up...Not

Through some concatenation of idiocy, composed of 34% stupidity, 18% ignorance, 22% illogic and 26% moral turpitude, a campaign was launched that told Us--straight up--to "Vota o Quédate Callao"--"Vote or Shut Up."

Do tell.

Actually, a truer translation would be "Vote or Keep Quiet," but the sentiment of "Shut Up" is clearly indicated and shoved down Our throats. I won't forget that in My response.

The problem with this kind of campaign is that it uses a very Republican (as in "GOP") technique--gross oversimplification--to create a false dichotomy, an unrealistic "black or white" option set. Gross oversimplification does to rational arguments what performing brain surgery with a golf club does, so it's up to Us to set the record straight.

First: Voting is a right. It might actually be a duty, but it is defined as a right and as such, a person has the option to decline to use it. One can abstain from voting and that in itself is a decision within the parameters of a democratic process.

Second: Voting and "speaking up " are two different rights. The idea that one's right to free speech, to lob verbal grenades at the rotting vermin We elect and the ugly-ass problems they don't solve and actually create, is inextricably linked to voting is beyond ludicrous: it is criminally stupid.

Let's see if the "logical" structure holds up: Vote or lose your property. You have the right to property, so connect voting to property and We can turn the next election into an eminent domain orgy! There is no logic or rational connection in "vote or shut up," but that hasn't stopped these brain-dead pigs from squealing it over and over again.

Third: "Speaking up" will happen anyway. The notion that by not voting a person simply has to shut up has all the basis in reality that the Book of Mormon has (and no, I don't mean the Tony Award-winning musical.) Even if a person doesn't actually think the very flawed premise through, they will grasp that (A) Who will know if I voted or not? [more on this point below] and (B) Who's going to make Me shut up?

Expanding point A, yes, there is a record of who voted. But who knows if vociferous citizen The Jenius (for example) voted in 2012? And will they be around every time I bitch-slap ignorance and thievery to scream "He didn't vote!"?


The underlying message of this campaign is not a reinforcement of democracy. It isn't meant to build awareness of a citizen's rights and the power/responsibility duet they represent. Uh-uh. The purpose of this campaign is to continue to imply that the power is not Ours: it's theirs. "Theirs" being the people We elect, the people We vote for, the people who are fucking supposed to WORK FOR US.

Any wonder the whole false dichotomy/rancid pig squeal campaign has the support of every local party, also known as "Tweedledumb, Tweedledumber and the 4 Mental & Moral Dwarfs"?

And because you simply have to talk back to these pig squealers in a way their microscopic proto-brains can understand, here's My response to "Vota o Quédate Callao": Mámenmelo y Quédense Callaos.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

17 September 2012

El Vocero: A Bloody Tampon

Free press. The Fourth Estate. The Voice of the People. The Watchful Eye. The Preserver of Democracy. When it comes to what the power of the press is in Our society, the ideal is clear: it holds the power of government in check.

Somehow, for local rag El Vocero, that phrase became "It gets checks from government powers."

El Vocero is a """newspaper""" that was launched in the 1970s as the then-most extreme example of "populist" press, often equated with yellow journalism. Featuring graphic photos of dead bodies on the front page and several more in its interior pages, El Vocero was often described as "dripping blood if you squeezed it." For years, it kept its reputation as a blood-rag and in that interim, it became the highest-selling Puerto Rican paper in New York.

Misery sells.

In the 1990s, local """newspaper""" mogul, the Ferré-Rangel cartel, owners of El Nuevo Día, launched a "lighter" """newspaper", Primera Hora. (A "lighter" version of El Nuevo Día would be like finding a lighter version of a fart.) Aimed at a younger crowd and focused on "don't read," Primera Hora started to erode El Vocero's local advertising base. That along with undue and unethical pressure in ad agencies by the Ferré-Rangel cartel practically killed El Vocero, who tried to erase its bloody image and become a newspaper, for once.

For a time, they succeeded. For a time.

As the economy worsened and the Ferré-Rangel cartel played faster and looser with circulation numbers, sales data and ethical breaches, topped by a strike that further gutted the rag, El Vocero ended up being printed on shitty leftover El Nuevo Día paper and on their presses.

With the comatose state of The San Juan Star, the only English-language daily, the """newspaper""" field in Puerto Rico was reduced to El Nuevo Día and Primera Hora, two sides of the same turd. And Primera Hora was gutted of its senior (read: higher salaried) journalists in order to pump up the chance of selling the Ferré-Rangel puppy trainers to a Chilean company.


What happens when El Vocero, the erstwhile blood-red rag, reappears as a daily, with a suspiciously blue tinge...given away FREE...and all of that based on having received some $20 million in government contracts, incentives and advertising?

El Vocero had a $14.5 million debt with the local government, now run by a (non)administration leaking blood like a late-stage Ebola patient. So in the kind of illegal legerdemain that makes the statehood blue the color of theft, the suddenly 5 new companies that broke off from the original El Vocero rathole are now swimming in money...that comes from Our taxes.

In short, El Vocero was rolled up and jammed into a bleeding hole to try to stop the hemorrhaging of a failed (non)administration. What was once a bloody rag is now a bloody tampon.

Speaking of which, the president of this new conglomerate for theft is one Peter W. Miller, who is an attorney/consultant and under contract as an advisor to senate president Thomas "Mad Dog" Rivera. Bloody hell.

Furthermore, the illegally-fired workers from the strike have yet to be paid their Court-sentenced salaries and benefits. Apparently the 1-to-6 move-to-loot-Our-taxes is being used to also avoid paying what the workers earned twice over.

And this, sad to say, is business as usual on My Island. A theft-crazed political party uses tax monies to crap out a sweetheart deal for a political crony, then uses that property--which should be a bastion of Truth--to spew rot like some sort of overflowing, over-pressurized sewage system. And if in the process these thieves, these disgusting vermin, can also screw workers from their earned pay, well that's just even better.

A word to El Vocero: tampons are not permanent. You will be discarded, rightly, and with extreme distaste. As for Peter: you are one, small and crabbed. And to the pus-infested seepage called the statehood party: gangrene stinks. The only cure at that point is amputation, fire...or death.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

[Update: 2 Oct 2012: As a new free daily paper hits Our streets, here's a look at the "splash webpage" of El Vocero, clearly defining what its true agenda is. You don't have to be up on all Our political nuances to see the crock of bullshit for what it is. And for those of you who told Me I was attacking statehooders and El Vocero because I'm biased, bite Me.] 

[Update: 19 Oct 2012: San Juan Mayor Jorge "Sniffy" Santini, is linked to a scheme of pardoning tax debts for Caribbean International News Corporation--"owners" of El Vocero--in exchange for ad space. Our tax dollars tossed away for Sniffy's ad space...and maybe a little nose party for the, you know, down times.]

14 September 2012

My Vote In November: Pepe Le Pew

Back in November of 2008, I stepped into a voting booth made of brown wrapping paper, masking tape and what appeared to be rat shit and smacked My 3 vari-colored table-cloth-sized ballots on the narrow ledge, made from splintery cast-off wood that might have been used to build temporary huts for the Viet Cong during the War.

I grabbed the first ballot, the one where We as happy-go-lucky residents of My Island get to vote for the person who will take his shit and shits to La Fortaleza and the person who will get on an airplane, fly his skanky ass to Washington D.C. and there proceed to do everything possible to act without dignity or self-respect and beg like a krocodil-addled street turd for money.

I pulled out a Sharpie--black, medium-tip if you have to know--and wrote in "Spongebob Squarepants" for governor and "Pepe Le Pew" for Head Beggar. (That We tend to call that skank in D.C. "resident commissioner" is willful denial of reality on Our part...)

As for the other two ballots, I wrote "Mierda" on one and "Más Mierda" on the other. Didn't care which one had which phrase. Still don't. Capped My Sharpie, gathered the three sheets, stepped out of the paper box, crumpled the ballots into wads and shoved them into their respective boxes. Got dirty looks from several people. Pretended to spit to make them look away.

You can take this description as My definition of utter and complete contempt for the wretched refuse We have as political vermin and you'd be right. You can also take it as My not-too-subtle vain chest-thumping of flicking My nose at the system. You'd be right. I'm not above petty symbolism if it tickles My fancy. But you must take this anecdote seriously, because it will be repeated--with a minor variation--in 2012.

To some people, My votes for Spongebob and Pepe Le Pew were "wasted." My thoughtful response to that is that those people are shitheads. To people like that, who think a vote is "wasted" unless it happens to be for the winning party/candidate/societal chancre, the whole democratic process is too complex for them to ever understand. A vote for anyone--anyone--in an election is just as valid as a vote for anyone else. Why, shitheads? Because a vote is a tally, a marker that says "I think this." And it counts.

Believing that a thought concretized as a vote is "wasted" is like believing that a donation to a cause is useless unless it is "big." But unlike donations, which come in different values, a vote's value is level across all such choices. (Or should be, except when Republicans fuck around with the system. Right Florida? Right Ohio?)

So: voting for Spongebob and Pepe Le Pew were perfectly legitimate, and I might add, perfectly accurate votes. You see, in modern democracies, and We barely have one, voters are often choosing an "image," a carefully-crafted bunch of lies meant to galvanize the already-convinced to get their asses out there and vote, while trying to lure "independents" (actually, the "indifferent") to make a mark under a certain name or symbol. Despite tons of lip service by lots of My Brethren that they are "voting by candidates and not by parties," the evidence is that they are lying: straight-party line voting still dominates Our wretched excuse for elections, which means We are electing a monolithic herd of disease-addled cooties every time around.

My vote for Spongebob was because of his image as a hard-working, caring, optimistic, generous and fun-loving character who incidentally still has more backbone than either Aníbal "The Jellyfish" Acevedo and Luis "The Larva" Fortuño. (Clarifying for statehooders: sponges do not have spines. That's the joke, see? Fuck it; have your dog explain it to you.)

My vote for Pepe Le Pew was also based on character, the eternal romantic, always optimistic, who will do whatever is in his power to woo his paramour, no matter how obvious and desperate said paramour's rejection becomes. When you consider that since 1898 We have been trying to "woo" the U.S. of part of A. to "make Us yours", and that their treatment of Us amounts to the same "Buzz off! You stink!" acrimony We see with Pepe Le Pew, then who else should We send to D.C. if not someone who knows exactly what that's like and soldiers on anyway?

"But Jenius," one of you will say, "You voted for cartoon characters. Cartoon characters can't hold public office!"

Yes they can. Are you going to tell Me that The Larva, Gluttonny, the Mad Dog and the whole fucking menagerie of parasitic vermin We have in government are actually better than cartoon characters? Hell, for one thing, cartoon characters would be smarter and cost Us far FAR less than these walking pusbags.

I deliberated for a few hours (yes, hours; like you've even come close to thinking seriously about your voting choices for 10 minutes) and decided that this year, I'm writing a big bold "Pepe Le Pew" for governor. For one, it's time We had an openly-defined skunk in La Fortaleza. For another, We need his kind of obsessive attention focused on Us, on wooing Us away from the endless waves of supercilious and incredibly pestiferous caca We endure daily and charm Us into believing that (A) La Fortaleza actually does care about Us and (B) that life with Pepe will be an improvement over dealing with hyenas, rats, snakes, weasels, cockroaches, silverfish, fleas, ticks, lice and tapeworms.

I haven't decided on My vote for Head Beggar except that I'll change his title to "Ass-Kissing Beggar" from now on. "Head" is too good a word to waste on offal.

As for the other two ballots of elected officials and the 27 or so other pieces of wasteful turd-baskets The Larva is tossing into the mix to create the biggest possible election shit stew in Our history, I'll cover each one with a choice insult, crude, sarcastic and aimed to insult anyone who reads it.

And that's how you make a vote really count.

The Jenius Has Spoken.