We're #1! We're #1! (In Corruption)

Riding the crest of public corruption, Puerto Rico cements its place as #1 with an astonishing 130 corruption convictions--convictions, people--in 2011. That works out to almost 11 a month, or almost 3 a week, making Us the absolute bomb when it comes to being jackass thieves in public """service""".

This little nauseating factoid is contained in the U.S. of part of A. Justice Department's Division of Public Integrity report for 2011. (HTML here; PDF here). Now Let's look more closely at this, shall We?

It wasn't easy to get to 130 in one year. No señor. We had to push the envelope and redefine scumbucket by lifting Our annual count from 17 in 2010 to that magnificent 130 last year. How impressive was Our criminal victory? As defined by the USDoJ, the second-place district--Maryland--had 58 convictions and 3rd place--Eastern Virginia--had 57. Pikers! Even adding up their scurrilous crimes We got them beat 130-115! ¡Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tú Lo Sepas!

Another point of putrefied pride for Us: since 2002, only two times has a district reached the triple-digit level in convictions for one year. And yes, you guessed it! We won that too! In 2002, We got Our asses nailed 101 times, a veritable "leap to another level" that took Us years to surpass. But it did set the bar out of reach for anyone but Us.

Oh, and statehooders? Don't go crowing that that happened during Sila "Quitter" Calderón's (partial)administration and that it means populares were getting nailed. Do a little research (have your dog teach you how) and you'll find that was the year of the Stupid Rosselló "Cavalcade of Criminals." Funny how you forgot that, isn't it? Even your dog is laughing at you.

Now, Let's stop looking at the past and look to the future. We can't rest on Our latrines, so We have to find a new goal. If We take the conviction rate by state-level instead of districts, We learn that since 2002, California has been killing Us 665-396, Texas is clobbering Us 635-396, Florida's walloping Us 618-396, New York's winning 553-396, Pennsylvania outscores Us 518-396, Illinois is handing Us Our hats 490-396, Ohio's outpacing Us 475-396, New Jersey (New Jersey!) is ahead 429-396 and Louisiana just clipped Us at the finish 403-396. Damn.

We can't allow that to continue. You mean to tell Me We're getting outscored by the alien likes of California, the wrinkly geezers in Florida, lowbrow guidos from New Jersey and mossy swamp critters from Louisiana? No señor.

So do We focus on sheer numbers? Well, We do have two 100+ years under Our corrupt belts, so We can certainly crank out several more and leave them all in the dust. But that would be asking so much more of Our disgusting vermin, part of a dwindling population of roughly 3.7 million, to take on the likes of the 7 most-populous states and 2 outliars--I mean, outliers.

Based on population, here are the convictions-per-residents of the Top 10 Corruption Bungholes:

California: 1-in-56,030
Texas: 1-in-39,528
Florida: 1-in-30,421
New York: 1-in-35,081
Pennsylvania: 1-in-24,517
Illinois: 1-in-26,122
Ohio: 1-in-24,421
New Jersey: 1-in-20,513
Louisiana: 1-in-11,166
PUERTO RICO: 1-in-9,343

Oh yeah! Number One, Baby! ¡Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tú Lo Sepas! Here's the thing: with a proven performance level of 130 a year, or even staying at Our Top 2 Years' Average of 115.5, We can surpass California's mush-headed amateurs just by staying at Our current level of public thievery, fraud, graft and malfeasance! Hell, We can even drop 30% off Our current pace and still kick California's New Age smoking, plastic surgery-infested, techno-babble roulette-poking ass from here to Canada.

Why? Because We got the putrid talent and have yet to tap into the 1-in-5,000 range, where Our numbers would jump to levels that not even the U.S. of part of A. Congress could ever hope to match (unless every member were Republican, but in that case, they'd steal from each other.)

And speaking of Our numbers and where they come from, here's a list of highly-questionable contracts, breaching ethics, nepotism, legality and common sense, that are part of this (non)administration within the legislative assembly. Let Me point out that at the bottom of the list (literally) is one Christian "Chemito El Pendejito" Soto, son of a mayor and brother of a senator, who was """earning"""" $3,000 (more than twice Our average income per capita) as an """advisor""" to a security commission. "Was," because he was arrested for selling drugs and will apparently plead guilty.

In another related story, a senate employee working with senate president Thomas "Mad Dog" Rivera was arrested for--uh-huh--selling drugs. Funny how this time, the "Mad Dog" ain't barking...

So you see, My Brethren, We are definitely on the right path to not only hold on to the Annual #1 Bunghole of Public Corruption Award, We are setting the stage to take over the Bunghole of the Decade Leaden Shaft from those addle-headed twinkies in California.

Oh yeah. ¡Yo Soy Boricua Pa' Que Tú Lo Sepas!




The Jenius Has Spoken.