Crap!! I wish I'd written this! [The quoted section below, not the Texas/Arizona idiocy that follows...]
Following on the heels of the Texas Board of Education trying to erase Thomas Jefferson from its future history books--because Tommy wasn't stupid enough to dumb down his ideals--Arizona decided it liked the sound of jackboots profiling non-whites with a "Show Me Your Papers!" bill. Then the Arizona snakes decided that schools must be kept pure by eliminating "ethnic studies," which would technically mean anything other than Native American studies, but Arizonans don't mean that, of course. Not be outdone, the Texas Board of Education now wants to rename the slave trade the "Atlantic triangular trade."
I shit you not.
NOW comes the part I wish I'd written...Seeing as how Texas and Arizona are battling like defenestrated pigs going dumbass whitey-slanting stupid on Us, what if they decided to rewrite all of history? From Chauncey De Vega's wicked keyboard at the blog We Are Respectable Negroes, and picked up merrily by Macon D at the blog Stuff White People Do, comes this acerbic gem titled simply What Would U.S. History Look Like If It Were Written By Texas and Arizona?:
The Essential Dates and Events of U.S. History as Approved by the States of Arizona and Texas
1607– Jamestown founded. Capitalism, which can trace its roots to the Bible, is now firmly rooted in the New World.
1660-1800–Triangular Atlantic trade continues to bring wealth and prosperity to America while giving opportunities to new immigrants.
1776–War for Independence against the tyrannical, evil British empire. Colonists suffer oppression that is unprecedented in human history. Minutemen singlehandedly defeat the evil British Empire in 1783.
1788–The United States Constitution is signed as a document to stand for all time, inspired by God, and never to be changed.
1803-1848–America continues to expand westward into empty territories. American settlers make the land bloom with the help of friendly Indian tribes.
1823–America guarantees the freedom of all countries and people in the Western Hemisphere with the adoption of the Monroe Doctrine.
1848–Mexico, in an act of friendship following their humiliation at the Alamo by the great Republic of Texas, gives their territories to the United States.
1860s-1900s–The Gilded Age of prosperity. American capitalism provides opportunities for all people to grow wealthy, secure, and happy. Liberals and Progressives begin working against American freedom and capitalism by forming unions, demanding unfair compensation from their employers, limiting the rights of children to work in factories, and imposing restrictive regulations for the “safety” of employees. Many brave men die fighting Communist influenced unions as they riot in America’s cities.
1861-1865–Civil War fought because of an overreaching, tyrannical federal government and its desire to limit the freedoms of all Americans. 620,000 people die including many brave and noble black Americans who fought on the side of the Confederacy. Northerners and Southerners eventually find common ground through Redemption and move forward as brothers and sisters in the USA.
1865-1870s–Democratic terrorists called the Ku Klux Klan begin a reign of terror in the South until brave Republicans defeat them.
1906–Using the Antiquities Act, Theodore Roosevelt establishes the National Park System. In one bold stroke Roosevelt establishes Socialist policies that steal land from the American people.
1913–More Socialism and class warfare ushered into the U.S. with the federal income tax system.
1917–America enters and wins World War 1 singlehandedly because the French are cowards.
1929–Great Depression begins. Tens of millions unemployed because of FDR’s failed economic policies. His New Deal introduces the nanny state, prolongs America’s economic collapse, and weakens the economy until Ronald Reagan renews America.
1941–Patriotic Japanese Americans volunteer to place themselves in gated communities so that America will be safe from Imperial Japan.
1941-1945–America enters and wins World War 2 singlehandedly because the French are cowards. Out of necessity, the United States drops atomic bombs on Japan.
1945-1965–A high point in U.S. history, as freedom and prosperity reign over all Americans.
1950–Senator Joseph McCarthy fearlessly highlights how America is infiltrated by communists from Russia and China. Big Hollywood and the liberal establishment are brought to their knees by his brave efforts.
1954–Brown v. Board of Education removes the parental right to send children to the schools of their choice and with the company they desire. A dangerous and unconstitutional era of activist Supreme Court decisions begins.
1955-1968–George Wallace and Martin Luther King Jr. lead a Civil Rights Movement to ensure that all Americans are judged by “the content of their character and not the color of their skin.”
1964-Barry Goldwater ignites a revolution in Conservative thought and values that resonates to the 21st century.
1968–The cinematic classic The Green Berets starring John Wayne, America’s greatest actor, debuts.
1971–America largely withdraws from Vietnam on the cusp of victory because it was weakened by The Gays, The Women’s Movement, and “The Counter-culture.” The French are cowards whose failure forced the U.S. to intervene in Indochina.
1973–Roe vs. Wade, the worst legal decision in the history of the Supreme Court is decided.
1974-Phyllis Schlafly, pioneer for the rights of women, takes a stand against evil Leftist feminists who want to ban motherhood, force mothers to work at jobs outside the home, join the military, become lesbians, and receive advanced educations which they do not need.
1974–Nixon forced to resign by liberal conspiracy.
1980–Ronald Reagan, America’s greatest president, restores American providence by ushering in a new era of economic prosperity, cutting the federal budget, and corrects the unfair federal tax code in order that the hard work of the richest Americans is justly rewarded.
1989–The Berlin Wall falls. Ronald Reagan wins the Cold War singlehandedly.
1992-2000–Democrat president Bill Clinton in office. His reckless personal behavior and irresponsible foreign policy choices weaken America internationally. The U.S. economy is almost destroyed by his tax policies. His wife Hillary Clinton furthers the march towards Socialism by advocating for free public health care and to destroy the insurance companies that drive U.S. economic growth.
2000–George Bush elected in a landslide.
2001–Terrorists attack America on September 11th. Because of Bill Clinton’s policies, a weakened border, a lax immigration policy, rampant multiculturalism, and the Democrats’ weakening of the military, America is left open to attack.
2003–Dr. King’s vision is finally made real. In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court strikes down the reverse discrimination policies of the University of Michigan. Freedom rings across the land.
2003–The country of Iraq, a rogue state, part of the Axis of Evil, and led by the dictator Saddam Hussein–a co-conspirator in the 9/11 attacks–is liberated by President George Bush.
2008-Arizona war hero John McCain introduces Sarah Palin to the world.
2008–Barack Obama is elected. America is in a Constitutional crisis as Obama is unable to prove that he is a U.S. citizen.
2008-the present. Brave Americans begin joining Tea Parties and 9-12 freedom groups. Millions of their members march on Washington DC.. Freedom fighter, James David Manning, places Obama on trial in absentia for treason and sedition.
2008–Sarah Palin, mother, governor, author, actress, comedienne and role-model begins here meteoric rise to political stardom. She ushers in an era of robust, common sense approaches to political problems tempered by real American values.
2010–Barack Obama remains President although his rule is illegitimate. Brave patriots such as Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh continue to lead the people’s resistance against his tyrannical rule.
2010-Patriotic legislatures in Texas and Arizona lead the battle against racial quotas and ethnocentrism as they draft legislation to defend all of America from an unending and unfettered stream of foreign invaders.
God damn I wish I'd written that!! Thanks, Chauncey. Keep up the Swift work.
The Jenius Has Quoted.
[Update: 10 June 2010: What Texas History books will be like from now on...]