09 July 2008

We're Doomed!

My Thanks, as ever, to Janine Mendes-Franco and Skye Hernandez for adding two of My recent posts to Global Voices Online. And to Kevin Shockey for giving Me a heads-up on that as well.

The Hounds of Hell will be unleashed with savage fury as The Apocalypse thunders down on Our fragile beings with the impetus and force of enraged demonspawn! Without a doubt, the world as We know it will end--end I tell you!!--on February 17th, 2009.

And how do I--how do We--know that? Because the freaking TV commercials DON'T STOP TELLING US!! With a pitbull-like intensity that shames--SHAMES--any other attempt at public service, newsgathering or news analysis, local TV stations, cable outlets and satellite providers harp on and on and on and on and on and on and on and f---ing on about how TV airwaves will switch from analog to digital on--you guessed it--February 17th of 2009.


No, it won't. But in the media-saturated, media-moronic and media-deficient swampland We live in, the absolute, over-the-top, We Are the World-style effort that crosses television networks and stations to bring Us this perfidiously useless piece of tripe is revolting to the extreme.

In the past two weeks, I have watched a total of 16 hours of TV, of which 14 were sports or sports-related (ESPN, ESPN2 and NBC's coverage of the Wimbeldon men's final match.) I was presented the "OHMYGOD!!" ads 13 times. "But, Jenius," you will bleat, "That's less than 1 ad per hour!" True, Oh Pointer-Outer of the Mathematically Obvious! But guess how many other public service announcements were presented during that time?

Uh-huh. None. Zippo. Zilch. Goose egg. Zero. As in nil, not a one, nothing to see here, move on.

On local TV stations, the ad ratio is 2-4 an hour. Yeah, you read that right. All for something that is waaay in the future and might possibly affect as many as 20% of all TV sets out there. For you see, only pre-2002 TV sets are affected and We're a country that averages 1.6 TV sets per person

Now how many people are affected by political screw-ups, socioeconomic fraud, banking malfeasance at the digital level (ATM fees, anyone?) and outright corruption? Would I be remiss in saying that, oh, more than 20% of Us are affected by these evils?

Are We spending Our precious airtime on clarifying the seriously real issues We face every day? Are We bringing together Our "best" (hahaha) and "brightest" (hahahahahaha) "media powerhouses" (hahahahahahahahastopit! Stop it! I'm peeing Myself!!!) to engage and enlighten the masses on these issues? 

Of course not. The precious snowflakes will melt--melt I tell you!!--if they lost access to the that most devilish of entertainment boxes. Why clutter their minds with facts and se-ri-ous matters when We can shovel crap through their eyes and into those little minds so avid for relief from the daily reality that threatens to bitch-slap Us into a coma?

Clicker in hand, less enthused about sports (you'll find out why later) and more inclined to read and finish jigsaw puzzles, I'll crank down My cretinous ad ratio to about 1-2 a week. The rest of Us will see those ads thousands of times, as the monumental waste increases in frenzy.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

P.S. -- From The Picky Grammar Lady, who wasn't allowed access to The Jenius Comments page. I assure y'all I had nothing to do with that.

The PSA's won't bother me a bit... I won't see a one of them... our TV (albeit new and therefore unaffected) isn't connected to anything. No cable. No local channels. No ads. No annoying PSA's. No "paid political announcements." (And you KNOW I'm really missing those!) More reading. More games. More quilting. More conversation.



The Insider said...

You spent time watching tennis? I'd rather watch those commercials! ;)

KW said...

Besides the obvious, of course they don't want to lose one viewer, however, you'd think with all of the "money" they believe might be associated to the potentially lost viewers, they'd be giving away the freaking boxes.

But you know, it really is a testament to the effectiveness of the brain-washing that occurs through the television. There was a stretch of time that my wife and mother-in-law wouldn't shut-up about the damn boxes. [Insert joke here about wife and mother-in-law's excessive talking].

I think it's a pinky communist conspiracy. Some fat-cat convinced congress or the FCC to pass a law to make the boxes mandatory. The fat-ass cat's business? Making digital to analog converter boxes.

GCSchmidt said...

Joe, I giggle at your comment, seeing as how I did get to see one of, if not the greatest tennis match of all time. Then again, I also watch golf whenever Tiger's in contention (which was almost every tournament he played.)

And MC, anything pushed this blatantly has got to be lining grinning thieves' pockets. I'm all for the pay-per-channel option, going with ESPN, ESPN2 and Comedy Central as a three-pack.