22 August 2008

The Larva's Cocoon

The Larva needs a cocoon.

Statehood (emphasis on hood) party candidate Luis “Larval Jellyfish” Fortuño, he of the “Where’s Waldo?”-like apperance and demeanor, is too—wimpy—to run away with the current local elections, despite having a pathetic non-governor under the shadow of 24 federal charges (and counting…). Why? Because he also has to tackle the Hounds of Hell unleashed by the Stupid Minions of former governor Pedro Stupid Rosselló. They hate The Larva because he represents an unacceptable change: Change from within.

The statehood (emphasis on hood) party has always been stupid, but under Stupid Rosselló it began to walk and talk and bounce in the Stupid Way, and when Stupid lost to current non-governor Aníbal “The Jellyfish” Acevedo, the so-called leadership of the party went decidedly mental.

The Larva was the wünderkind of Stupid’s first misadministration and his rise to party prominence was taken as treason. Tack on to this that The Larva’s fellow candidate is a fellow wimp, former Secretary of Justice Pedro “I Want to Grow Up and Be a Larva, Too!” Pierluisi, another Stupid selection (hahaha), and you have the makings of a bitter civil war.

What outcome do the Stupid Minions want to avoid at all costs? An electoral sweep that puts The Larva in the governor’s mansion. Why? Because Stupid failed to gain this sweep, in fact, he was specifically denied the sweep. To the Stupid Minions, a gubernatorial loss coupled with a repeat win of the latrine, er, legislature, the port-a-potties known as “City Halls” and the D.C. office of Head Beggar would be perfect, for it would allow two highly-desired results:

1) Control of “The Wannabe Larva” in Washington, for he is seen as a tractable neophyte.

2) The Return of Stupid. Part II. 

The Larva losing in November will allows Us a full chance to experience “Stupid is as Stupid does,” for the reprisals against The Larva’s supporters would be swift and merciless. Remember, this is the “party” that tried to kick out senators who were merely doing their job.

So how does The Larva protect himself and buy time against the underground onslaught of “allies” and the political perfidies of The Jellyfish? He does so by making his family a prominent part of his campaign.

Cynical? The Larva is a Fool: Cynical is pro forma. By doing this, The Larva blunts many of the underhanded attacks making the rounds within the party, for despite the gutter-level ethics of modern campaigns, attacking a candidate’s family still backfires. For another, the contrast between The Larva’s family and The Jellyfish’s is well-nigh dual; after all, some of the 24 charges involve illegal use of funds to finance Jellyfish family vacations.  

In addition, it forces The Jellyfish to take the offensive, a position he’s not comfortable with, as he greatly prefers counter-punching. But how do you attack your opponent when you’re a non-governor invertebrate with 24 tons of mutant seaweed weighing you down?

The fact is, The Larva doesn't have any other viable options, for he lacks the experience, the imagination, the personality, the gumption and the politically-powerful allies needed to make his campaign a clear winner. Will The Larva do as suggested here? I don’t know. But if he loses, he’ll always wonder what he could have done to avoid the loss.

And I just told him.

The Jenius Has Spoken.

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